[Intro — spoken over pick-scrapes + record scratch] Alright! Welcome to my kitchen mosh pit! On today’s episode of “I Thought I Lived Alone”— We have: one pot of chilli… …and one spider who pays ZERO rent. (HEY!) If you see me screaming, mind your business. If you see the spider vibing, also mind your business. [Intro — band kicks in] Stir! Stir! Stir! (HEY!) Don’t look up! Don’t look up! (HEY!) Hot pot! Eight legs! Hot pot! Eight legs! [Verse 1] I got beans in the cauldron, bubbling mean, Smells so good it should be on a magazine. I’m chopping onions, feeling like a chef on tour— Then something crawls like “This is my kitchen, sure.” Tiny little dude just rappelled from the light, Like he’s stage-diving into my Thursday night. I freeze, ladle raised, heart doing flips— He’s doing parkour on my cabinet grips. [Pre-Chorus] I’m like “NOPE!” but I whisper, ‘cause I’m polite, He’s like… (silence)… “I was here first, alright.” I blink twice, he blinks eight, I lose the fight— And the chilli’s getting hotter and I’m losing my mind! [Chorus — halftime, huge hook] Chilli and spiders! (HEY!) What a life, what a ride! One burns my tongue, one’s along for the vibe! I’m trying to be cool, I’m trying to act tough— But I do the panic-two-step when he walks by my stuff! Chilli and spiders! (HEY!) Stir it, don’t cry! Spice in the bowl, eight legs in the sky— RAISE THAT SPOON, DON’T LOOK UP! RAISE THAT SPOON, DON’T LOOK UP! [Verse 2 — faster] I add cayenne like “boom,” paprika like “pow,” He climbs my pepper shaker like he owns it now. He’s staring at my seasoning with judgemental grace, Like “Needs more heat, human. Fix your base.” I’m sweating like a drummer in a leather coat, He’s chilling like a monk in a tiny remote. I stir the pot, he tours the room— Bro’s got a whole zip code in my living room. [Pre-Chorus] I say, “Listen, friend, we can compromise— You catch the flies, I keep my cries.” He taps one leg like “Deal. Be wise.” Then vanishes… and I’m like— “WHY DO YOU DO SURPRISES?!” [Chorus — halftime] Chilli and spiders! (HEY!) What a life, what a ride! One burns my tongue, one’s along for the vibe! I’m trying to be cool, I’m trying to act tough— But I do the panic-two-step when he walks by my stuff! Chilli and spiders! (HEY!) Stir it, don’t cry! Spice in the bowl, eight legs in the sky— RAISE THAT SPOON, DON’T LOOK UP! RAISE THAT SPOON, DON’T LOOK UP! [Verse 3 — rap-shout, comedic] Okay, okay—facts: he’s smaller than a coin, But my soul leaves my body when he joins. I take one bite—my face goes red, He drops from the ceiling—goodbye, my head! I’m like “AAAA—” (scratch) “I mean, I’m fine,” He’s like “…” (silence) “…you’re not fine.” I back away slow like it’s tactical art, Trip on a chair, and the chair falls apart. [Breakdown — chaotic, call-and-response] GUITARS DOWN! (DOWN!) SPICE UP! (UP!) EIGHT LEGS! (EIGHT!) WHAT?! (WHAT?!) EIGHT LEGS! (EIGHT!) WHAT?! (WHAT?!) STIR! STIR! RUN! (STIR! STIR! RUN!) STIR! STIR! RUN! (STIR! STIR! RUN!) (whisper) He’s on the ladle… he’s on the LADLE… [Bridge — melodic lift, funny-sincere] Maybe I’m learning, maybe I’m growing, Maybe fear’s just a bad song playing too loud. He’s just a little night-shift hero, Keeping my kitchen fly-free, proud. So I take a breath, I face the ceiling, I nod like “Alright, roommate… we’re cool.” Then he moves one inch and I instantly scream— I am not a spiritual guru. [Final Chorus — biggest] Chilli and spiders! (HEY!) What a life, what a ride! One burns my tongue, one’s along for the vibe! I’m trying to be cool, I’m trying to act tough— But I do the panic-two-step when he walks by my stuff! Chilli and spiders! (HEY!) Stir it, don’t cry! Spice in the bowl, eight legs in the sky— RAISE THAT SPOON, DON’T LOOK UP! RAISE THAT SPOON, DON’T LOOK UP! [Epic Outro — anthem chant + soaring lead] (half-time chant, crowd-style) HOT POT! EIGHT LEGS! (HOT POT! EIGHT LEGS!) HOT POT! EIGHT LEGS! (HOT POT! EIGHT LEGS!) CHILLI! (CHILLI!) SPIDERS! (SPIDERS!) CHILLI! (CHILLI!) SPIDERS! (SPIDERS!) We stir through the fear! We laugh through the heat! Kitchen pit legends, stampin’ our feet! And when the night falls, and the ceiling goes quiet— We raise one last spoon like a sacred riot! (guitar solo over gang vocals) STIR! STIR! RUN! (STIR! STIR! RUN!) DON’T LOOK UP! (DON’T LOOK UP!) STIR! STIR! RUN! (STIR! STIR! RUN!) DON’T LOOK UP! (DON’T LOOK UP!) (ending scream + final hit) CHILLI AND SPI—DERS! (HEY!) —BOOM!
