# THE GREAT BRITISH ROAST TOUR ### Stadium Edition **[INTRO — ANNOUNCER]** LADIES! GENTLEMEN! GOBLINS! GREMLINS! AND THAT ONE BLOKE IN CROCS! **ARE YOU READY?!** **CROWD:** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** Tonight, common sense is cancelled. The pigeons have unionised. The kettle has achieved sentience. And Britain has declared war— ON BORING PEOPLE! --- ## [VERSE 1] I walked into London with chaos in tow, A seagull stole my chips before I could say no. The bus was late, the rain came sideways, Some bloke yelled “MATE!” from seventeen driveways. Tea in my hand, rage in my heart, Tesco Meal Deal — culinary art. Someone said, “Calm down.” **CROWD:** ABSOLUTELY NOT! Someone said, “Act normal.” **CROWD:** WE FORGOT! --- # [CHORUS] **LEAD:** WHO ARE WE?! **CROWD:** ABSOLUTE MENACES! **LEAD:** WHAT DO WE WANT?! **CROWD:** TEA AND VENGEANCE! **LEAD:** WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! **CROWD:** RIGHT BLOODY NOW! **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! We’re taking this roast tour ROUND THE WORLD TONIGHT! If your country’s got chaos, COME JOIN THE QUEUE! Nobody survives THE GREAT BRITISH ROAST TOUR! --- ## [VERSE 2 — INTERNATIONAL CHAOS] CANADA! Lovely people, maple syrup, and “sorry” every five seconds. Britain bumps into Canada. Canada says, “Sorry.” Britain says, “No, mate, my fault.” Seven hours later, they’re still apologising. A moose enters the stadium. **CROWD:** MOOOOOOSE! The moose refuses to elaborate. AMERICA! Everything’s bigger: Cars, drinks, roads, arguments. You order a small drink— They hand you THE ATLANTIC OCEAN. **CROWD:** USA! USA! USA! AUSTRALIA! Beautiful beaches, amazing wildlife, and fourteen thousand ways to ruin your afternoon. Spider in the bathroom? “That’s Kevin.” Snake in the kitchen? “That’s Darren.” Crocodile in the pool? “That’s the landlord.” **CROWD:** DAAAAAARREN! --- ## [BREAKDOWN] **LEAD:** WHO PUT MILK IN FIRST?! **HALF THE CROWD:** MONSTERS! **OTHER HALF:** IT DOESN’T MATTER! **ANNOUNCER:** The stadium has divided into factions: The Milk-First Alliance. The Tea-First Federation. And one confused man holding Ribena. --- ## [VERSE 3 — FRANCE] FRANCE! Bread so good, Britain considered invading again. Cheese powerful enough to qualify as chemical warfare. France says, “Bonjour.” Britain says, “ALRIGHT, MATE?” France says: “…non.” --- # [FAKE BREAKING NEWS] **NEWSREADER:** BREAKING NEWS. A goose has entered Parliament. Authorities attempted negotiations. The goose replied: **CROWD:** HONK! Three ministers have resigned. The goose is now Prime Minister. **CROWD:** HONK! HONK! HONK! **LEAD:** WHO RUNS BRITAIN?! **CROWD:** THE GOOSE! **LEAD:** WHO STOLE MY SANDWICH?! **CROWD:** THE GOOSE! --- ## [BRITAIN ROASTS ITSELF] Britain: home of Shakespeare, The Beatles, the NHS— and weather forecasts that say: “Maybe.” Sunny at nine. Rain by ten. Snow at eleven. Tornado near Birmingham. Nobody panic. That’s just Tuesday. We queue for everything: Bus? **CROWD:** QUEUE! Coffee? **CROWD:** QUEUE! Apocalypse? **CROWD:** FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE! --- ## [BRIDGE — LIGHTS DOWN] **STOMP.** **STOMP.** **CLAP.** One tiny island. Millions of lunatics. One sacred kettle. No emotional regulation. **LEAD:** Are we behaving tonight? **CROWD:** ABSOLUTELY BLOODY NOT! --- # [FINAL CHORUS] **ALL:** WE ARE THE MENACES! TEA-FUELLED MENACES! LOUD, RIDICULOUS, INTERNATIONAL MENACES! We’ve got geese! **CROWD:** HONK! We’ve got tea! **CROWD:** BREW IT! We’ve got chaos! **CROWD:** TURN IT UP! We’ve got a plan! **CROWD:** NO WE DON’T! **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! --- ## [OUTRO — TOTAL DISASTER] **ANNOUNCER:** Thank you, London! Please leave calmly— **CRASH** Never mind. The glitter cannon has exploded. A corgi stole the microphone. The goose is crowd-surfing. Someone’s nan started a mosh pit. And the kettle— **KETTLE WHISTLES** IT’S BOILED! **CROWD:** TEEEEEEEEEEA! **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** **HONK!** **CURTAIN.**
