I strap on my helmet, my pleather is fake, It’s seven times bigger than normal guys take! I straddle my stallion of beige plastic parts, A forty-nine C-C machine when it starts! (Vroooom! *sound of a dying weed whacker*) I check both my mirrors with dangerous flair, At eighteen miles hourly, wind in my hair! I am the Moped Man, the king of the street! (A-hoo-hoo!) A hardcore rebellion on top of my seat! I roll to the station, I’m dangerous and rank, I slam three whole dollars to fill up my tank! Oh yeah, the Moped Man! (Honk! Honk!) (Uh oh! The hill! Pump those legs! Aaaah!) I hit a slight incline, the engine goes dead, The motor just sputters, I'm filling with dread! I panic and sweat but I’ve got a new plan, I kick down the pedals, a furious man! (Huff! Puff! Huff! Puff!) I push on those pedals to save my own hide, I blow past a toddler who’s out for a ride! (Yee-haaaaaaw!) 'Cause I'm the Moped Man, the king of the street! A hardcore rebellion on top of my seat! I roll to the station, I’m dangerous and rank, I slam three whole dollars to fill up my tank! Oh yeah, the Moped Man! I pull to the Anvil, a rough biker bar, I park between Harleys the size of a car! I whip out my bright pink and heavy bike lock, And wrap it twelve times round my wheel on the block! I strut in the tavern to do a tough walk, My knees are both locked so I waddle and squawk! (Quack!) I waddle to tables where giant men sit, Those mountainous bikers all covered in spit. I ask 'bout their hog specs and lower my voice, And offer my apple organic juice choice. (Slurp!) I point to the denim I proudly display, My "Sons of Economy" patch on the fray! (Record scratch!) The room goes completely and terribly still, A giant just grabs me, I’m feeling a chill. He carries me out without starting a fight, And drops me right into a dumpster goodnight. (Sniffle... woo-hoo...) I crawl from the garbage of old beans and cheese, I wipe a banana right off of my knees. A hazing! I knew it! I'm part of the club! I limp to my moped to give her a rub. A breeze knocked her over, she’s down on her side, I pick her right up for a tear-jerking ride. (Honk honk... squeak squeak...) I’m one of the boys now... I’m one of the boys... (Fart noise. Accordion sadly fades out)
