Kids, don't eat sex!

[Intro – Fake Cheerleader Voice, Super High Energy] > Hey kids! It’s your favorite emotionally unstable millionaire band! And we’re here to teach you right from wrong Because apparently... no one else will! “This is a P! S! A! For your parents’ moral decay!” --- [Verse 1 – Overly Bright Delivery] Don’t eat sex and don’t do drugs Don’t hang out with sketchy thugs Stay in school, obey your dad (Unless he sucks—then that’s too bad) Brush your teeth and say your prayers Don’t question billion-dollar heirs Listen up, your idols care While lighting up backstage somewhere --- [Chorus – Kids’ Choir Backing] We’re not your mom, we’re not your dad But we’ll pretend! Isn’t that sad? We’re here to fill the gaping hole Where guidance should’ve touched your soul It’s a P! S! A! (clap clap) Straight from fame’s decay If your folks were trash, Here’s a corporate crash That’ll scream “good morals” in your face! [Verse 2] Don't vape don't fight, don't watch r-rated flicks Says the guy with three exes and a coke habit fix Don’t steal, don’t lie, and never skip class (Unless it’s sponsored content—that gets a pass) Stay pure, stay kind, stay morally straight Until the industry chews you up and calls it fate You can trust us—we sold out for the cause (And by “cause,” I mean brand deals, merch, and applause) --- [Bridge – Spoken, Cynical Monologue with Background “La La La”s] > Because nothing says guidance like a 27-year-old millionaire covered in glitter, trauma, and NDAs... telling your children how to live. You’re welcome, America. --- [Breakdown] Don’t eat sex! Don’t touch butts! Don’t do shots or smoke your guts! Don’t feel rage! Don’t ask why! Just absorb and comply! --- [Final Chorus ] We’re not your mom, we’re not your dad But here we are—and that’s just sad This jingle’s here to fix your fate Cuz love and reason showed up late It’s a P! S! A! For the end of days When the icons rot, But the children watch, So we fake good lessons anyway! --- [Outro – Spoken Deadpan with Cheery Music Underneath] > > This message was brought to you by the band currently under investigation for multiple things we legally cannot name. Stay safe, stay scared, and remember: Don’t eat sex.