[Sung, melodic vocals only] In my head, the comments are flying thick and fast, having a field day. It's as if all the planets in my birth chart have gathered urgently for a summit meeting: My Venus in Aries sings: Oh my! He draws me in like a magnet! I'm falling in love! My Libra rising sings: Ah, love! It's like champagne, it goes straight to your head! My Saturn in Capricorn sings: And then… you've got a splitting headache! My Scorpio sings: A rose that pricks, with thorns as long as your arm. My Virgo, so practical, sings: A flower that's allergic to alcohol, stop your rambling! My Sun in Taurus sings: Me, I ruminate; it's in my nature, it's not the same thing. DRRRRIIIIINNNNG! My parents. Here we go again. 'Skooze me, I'll be a minute! My parents are pieds-noirs, French people born in Algeria. They ring me every evening to keep in touch. Come rain, wind or snow… proper lighthouse keepers! Officially, my dad's retired. In reality, he's set up a special branch of MI5: MI-Fam, Family Intelligence. James Bond on a mission to spy on my private life. He's roped my mum in. It's her cover that lets him pull the strings on the sly. And it's good for domestic harmony, apparently. He sends her on intelligence missions, because her speciality is getting the truth out of you. She's a true Libra, an extrovert who loves making connections – and since I'm the same, we've forged a bond as strong as Kevlar! They want to know everything. Good evening, darling, where are you? Still in your heart, dear Mum. Are you all on your own, my love? No (I've never been any good at lying), I'll ring you back later. Speak up! We can't make out what you're saying… Your phone isn't working! Why can't you talk to us? What do you think? Your calls are killing my chances. My cover's blown! At this rate, I'll end up just like Miss Havisham! Oh, you always have to exaggerate; here we go again, it's a disaster… I'm with a Viking, as tall as a basketball player and as muscular as a rugby player. I'm not worried about a thing! Todo va bene! My dad is like a radar system on high alert. His early-warning system spots danger before it even arrives. In a real emergency, he turns up straight away. Who's that bloke? How do you know him? Where's he from? What's his name? You shouldn't be meeting up with a stranger; it's dangerous! Thanks, I'll file that away somewhere between 'Don't go out alone at night at fifty-four' and 'Don't iron my clothes whilst I'm wearing them'. Calm down! Let's take a deep breath! They're making a big deal out of it: But it could end very badly! I've got a life jacket, in case the evening ends up like Titanic. Above all, be careful! They want to plan everything: And what time will you be back? Just after the live concert. Early, like the hens, when the sun goes down. Give me a call as soon as you get there, send me a text. Do you want my itinerary as well, for the 'adults monitored twenty-four hours a day' club? We just want to make sure everything's alright. Yeah, I know, five times a day at ten euros a ring, I'd be a millionaire by now… And we'd be ruined… so do think about the royalties. OK, switch off your parental GPS. Give me a bit of space, or I'll switch to aeroplane mode. They laugh, in on the joke… but worried: Take a raincoat, you never know. Jean! Don't go putting ideas in her head! Don't worry! It's not in his head that he's got ideas! I'm just warning her, that's all. Thanks. Have a lovely evening! Click! I turn round… Phew! He's still there!
