(Intro) (Phone buzzing, police siren in the distance, bass rumbling) She called me daddy?! BRO, WHAT?! Her boyfriend’s outside! Her dad’s got a shovel! Why’s her whole family involved?! (Beat drops) Man, I just woke up! (Verse 1) She stays in my DMs, sending hearts by the dozen, Her boyfriend sees the messages—now he’s acting like my cousin’s cousin! Calling me at midnight, talking tough through the phone, Bro, go talk to your girl, leave my number alone! She calls me daddy, says I’m living in her head, Now her man is doing push-ups, threatening me instead. Her dad says I’m trouble, says I’m nothing but a clown, I waved at him politely—he tried to run me out of town! Everybody hates me, what’s a guy supposed to do? I came here for a pizza, now I’m dodging a whole crew! Her mother says, “Come inside,” I’m like, “Ma’am, is this a trap?” I should’ve stayed at home and played some video games instead! (Pre-Chorus) Her man wants smoke, her dad wants war, Her mom’s making coffee while he’s kicking down the door. Her phone won’t stop buzzing, my stress is going up— I’M NOT THE FINAL BOSS, I’M JUST A GUY WHO’S HAD ENOUGH! (Chorus) EVERYBODY’S GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME! Her boyfriend’s mad, but I just want peace! She’s in my DMs like it’s her full-time job, Now her whole damn family wants to watch me get robbed! HEY! HEY! WHAT DID I DO? Her dad’s got a grudge and her brother’s acting rude! I’m caught in the middle of a family catastrophe— EVERYBODY’S GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME! (Verse 2) Her mother invited me over—this family’s insane, Her dad saw my shoes and started shouting my name. Her sister made a pass, I said, “No, that’s a mess, I’m not joining your family drama—I already failed the stress test!” Her brother’s hanging upside down off a pull-up bar, Yelling, “YOU BETTER LEAVE!” like a low-budget action star. I’m backing toward the exit, trying not to make a sound, Then the boyfriend kicks the door and knocks a lamp straight down! (Ad-lib: “PROPERTY DAMAGE!”) I never signed a contract for this family affair, Now there’s six angry people and a folding chair. I came for one conversation, now I’m starring in a show, Somebody call a producer—this plot has got to go! (Pre-Chorus) Her man wants smoke, her dad wants war, Her mom’s making coffee while he’s kicking down the door. Her phone won’t stop buzzing, my stress is going up— I’M NOT THE FINAL BOSS, I’M JUST A GUY WHO’S HAD ENOUGH! (Chorus) EVERYBODY’S GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME! Her boyfriend’s mad, but I just want peace! She’s in my DMs like it’s her full-time job, Now her whole damn family wants to watch me get robbed! HEY! HEY! WHAT DID I DO? Her dad’s got a grudge and her brother’s acting rude! I’m caught in the middle of a family catastrophe— EVERYBODY’S GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME! (Bridge) (Beat stops; phone rings.) Hello? Her boyfriend: “WHERE ARE YOU?!” Me: “At home.” Her dad: “I’M COMING OVER!” Me: “Please don’t.” Her mother: “You left your jacket here.” WHY IS THIS FAMILY A GROUP PROJECT?! (Bass builds) Block the number! Lock the gate! I’m not showing up to another family debate! Delete the DMs! Let the whole thing end! I’m changing my number and moving again! (Outro) (Engine starts; tires squeal.) She called me daddy… Her boyfriend went crazy… Her dad wants my head… I’m never dating locally again! (Phone buzzes.) UNKNOWN NUMBER: “Hey daddy 😉” (Beat cuts.) OH, COME ON! END.
