[Intro] (Safe as houses) (Keep your eyes peeled) (Don't look at the browser history, son) [Funky Boom Bap Beat with a Slinky Bassline] [Record Scratch] [Verse 1] I went to Nan’s house for a cuppa and a scone She was busy on her laptop, sitting all alone I said "Nan, you’re Eighty Five, what you doing on the web?" She said "Mind your business, you little ginger pleb" She’s got a brand new tracksuit and a gold-plated chain And a Five Hundred Pound bottle of expensive Champagne I thought she’d won the Bingo or a scratchcard in the shop But then I saw the ring light and I thought my heart would stop She’s got a profile page called Doris Double D And a subscription price of Nineteen Pounds and Ninety Three [Chorus] My Nan’s on OnlyFans and she’s making more than me She’s the top-tier earner in the whole of the West Country She’s throwing out her knickers for a cheeky Tenner a pair While I’m struggling to pay the rent and losing all my hair (She’s a mogul) (The silver fox) (You knows it) [Verse 2] I clicked the "About Me" and I felt a bit sick She’s doing requests for some bloke called Dirty Mick She’s posing in the kitchen with a tray of iced gems And a pair of lacy stockings with the frilly little hems She’s got Five Thousand followers from Tokyo to Perth The most popular pensioner on the face of the Earth She’s doing "Unboxing" videos of her new hip replacement While some weirdo is watching from a dark and damp basement She told me "Don’t judge, it’s a modern way to earn Now go and fetch my dentures, it’s nearly my turn" [Chorus] My Nan’s on OnlyFans and she’s making more than me She’s the top-tier earner in the whole of the West Country She’s throwing out her knickers for a cheeky Tenner a pair While I’m struggling to pay the rent and losing all my hair (VIP content) (Werther's Originals) (Proper filthy) [Bridge] [Beat Drop] [Slower Grittier Bass] She’s upgraded the bungalow, she’s got a heated pool She’s the only OAP who thinks that OnlyFans is cool She’s got a custom emoji of a crocheted thong And she’s singing to the camera while I’m trying to sing along (Actually, don't sing along) (That's a bit far) [Verse 3] The family’s in shock, but the bank balance is fat She’s bought a diamond collar for the neighbor’s mangy cat She said "I spent Forty years working in the canteen Now I’m the biggest star the internet has ever seen" So if you see a lady with a walker and a glow Check your credit card statement before you say hello She might be Eighty Five and she might be a bit slow But she’s the richest lady that the Newport boys know [Outro] (Safe as houses) (Don't forget to like and subscribe) (Put that tablet away, Grandad) [Beat Fades with the Sound of a Digital Camera Shutter] [Cackling Laughter]
