[SFX: tavern crowd • mugs clink • stomp-stomp-clap] [INTRO – SPOKEN (LIVE)] FATTYFOOT: Alright! Who’s hungry? PIP: Chicken? Did you say chicken? hmm? BOTH: This one’s called… CHICKEN! [JINGLE VERSE 1 – SUNG (childish, bouncy)] BOTH: I love chicken, chicken is nice, Chicken and cabbage, chicken with rice! Chicken in a skillet, chicken in a slice, Chicken so good you say “more!” twice! PIP (ad-lib): cluck-cluck! FATTYFOOT (ad-lib): bok-bok! [JINGLE CHORUS – SUNG (catchy)] BOTH: Chicken! Chicken! (hey!) Golden, crispy, every day! (hey!) Roast it, toast it, pay the price— Chicken and cabbage, chicken with rice! [CROWD: “CHICKEN! CHICKEN!”] [JINGLE VERSE 2 – SUNG] PIP: Chicken on a plate, chicken in a roll, Chicken makes you happy in your little soul. Chicken for your breakfast, chicken for your vice— Chicken and cabbage, chicken with rice! FATTYFOOT: Chicken on a stick, chicken in a stew, Chicken for your neighbor if they’re nice to you. Chicken in the sunshine, chicken by the fire— Chicken is the thing that your heart desires! [SFX: DOOR SLAMS • crowd “OOO!” • a mug shatters] [INTERRUPTION – SPOKEN] GRIMGOR (deep, monstrous): SILENCE, TINY SONG-BUGS! [PIP (quick whisper)] PIP: Uh-oh. FATTYFOOT: That’s a big one. [GRIMGOR MONOLOGUE – SPOKEN, dramatic] GRIMGOR: I AM GRIMGOR THE SMELLY— Scourge of the south road! Breaker of barstools! Splitter of kegs! Extorter of tolls! Burner of carts! Stealer of sausages! Crusher of hope! I have slept in grave-mud and laughed at dawn! I have kicked down doors and blamed the wind! I have committed deeds so foul the rats write songs about them! (CROWD: *gasp* *murmur*) GRIMGOR: Now… hand over your coin, your rings, your shiny trinkets… (leans in, deadly serious) …and bring me the cookies. [PIP (aside)] PIP: He said the cookies. FATTYFOOT: That’s where I draw the line. [PIP – SPOKEN, sweet] PIP: Sir, quick question. GRIMGOR: WHAT. PIP: Do you like chicken? GRIMGOR: I— I HATE CHI— [SFX: WHIP-FAST “WHOOSH”] [BOTH – SHOUT] BOTH: SNEAK ATTACK! [SFX: guitar SMACK • crowd ROAR • villain “OOF!” • clatter of armor/boots] [PIP (rapid, stage whisper)] PIP: Ankles! FATTYFOOT: Kneecaps! PIP: Pride! FATTYFOOT: Nose! GRIMGOR (deep, fading): NOOO— NOT THE— COOO— [SFX: THUMP • silence beat • then huge applause] FATTYFOOT (cheerful, spoken): Anyway! PIP (bright, spoken): Where were we? [BOTH (sung, instantly back to jingle)] BOTH: CHICKEN! [JINGLE CHORUS – SUNG (bigger)] BOTH: Chicken! Chicken! (hey!) Golden, crispy, every day! (hey!) Roast it, toast it, pay the price— Chicken and cabbage, chicken with rice! PIP (ad-lib): cluck-cluck-cluck! FATTYFOOT (ad-lib): bok-bok, thank you! [JINGLE VERSE 3 – SUNG (extra silly)] FATTYFOOT: Chicken in the morning, chicken late at night, Chicken makes your problems feel a little less… bite. Chicken for the brave and chicken for the shy, Chicken so good you could almost cry! PIP: Chicken with a pickle, chicken with a grin, Chicken for your cousin, let the feast begin! If a monster wants your cookies, tell him “that’s not wise”— Then hit him with a chorus… and a pleasant surprise! [JINGLE FINAL CHORUS – SUNG (crowd call-and-response)] BOTH: Chicken! Chicken! (hey!) Everybody shout “HOORAY!” (hey!) One last bite, then roll the dice— Chicken and cabbage, chicken with rice! [CROWD: “CHICKEN AND CABBAGE! CHICKEN WITH RICE!”] [OUTRO – SPOKEN] PIP: Tip your bartenders. FATTYFOOT: Guard your cookies. PIP: And if Grimgor comes back— BOTH: MORE CHICKEN!
