# BASS FAT SANTA *Funky Christmas Blues Rock / Bass-Heavy Boogie* [Intro - Deep raspy spoken voice] Ho... ho... ho... Oh, hell no... [Heavy bass riff] Somebody made that chimney smaller! [Verse 1] I gotta lose some weight, Just a pound or two, 'Cause tonight, baby, Yeah, tonight, I got stuck in the chimney Coming down to you! Got my boots in the fireplace, My belly in the bricks, I've been kicking and twisting, But nothing seems to click. My reindeer on the rooftop Are laughing at my pain, And Rudolph's taking pictures While I'm stuck here in the rain! [Pre-Chorus] I push to the left, I pull to the right, Been wedged in this chimney For half the damn night! I wiggle my hips, I shake my behind, But there's a whole lot of Santa And not enough room inside! [Chorus - Huge funky bass drop] I'm fat, baby! I'm THAT, baby! Bass fat, dropping the thread! Got a belly full of cookies And a chimney full of dread! I'm fat, baby! I'm THAT, baby! Shake that roof instead! If I can't get down the chimney, I'll bring the whole damn house to bed! BOOM! BOOM! Hear that bassline crack! Santa's got a belly And a whole lotta back! [Verse 2] Mrs. Claus said, "Darling, You should watch what you eat." But I found another fruitcake And it tasted pretty sweet. Had a turkey in November, Had a ham on Christmas Eve, Now my belt's on its last hole And my buttons wanna leave! There's a little girl downstairs Saying, "Mom, what's that sound?" "Just the wind inside the chimney, Go on, turn around." Then I sneezed and shook the rafters, Made the Christmas angel fall, And the family dog went crazy Barking at the living room wall! [Pre-Chorus] I push to the left, I pull to the right, Been wedged in this chimney For half the damn night! I suck in my belly, I hold it real tight, Then I smell fresh gingerbread And forget about the fight! [Chorus - Heavy bass and guitar] I'm fat, baby! I'm THAT, baby! Bass fat, dropping the thread! Got a belly full of cookies And a chimney full of dread! I'm fat, baby! I'm THAT, baby! Shake that roof instead! If I can't get down the chimney, I'll bring the whole damn house to bed! BOOM! BOOM! Hear that bassline crack! Santa's got a belly And a whole lotta back! [Instrumental Break - Slap bass solo, dirty blues guitar, sleigh bells] [Bridge - Spoken dialogue, music stops] "Rudolph!" "WHAT?" "GET ME OUTTA HERE!" "Did you try sucking in your stomach?" "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING?" [Silence] "Maybe skip the cookies next year?" [Deep bass rumble] "RUDOLPH... YOU'RE WALKING HOME!" [Build - Kick drum and bass] One pound... Two pounds... Three pounds... FOUR! [Massive bass drop] [Verse 3] Then the lady of the house Came walking through the door, Saw my boots above the fireplace And my beard across the floor. She said, "Santa, are you stuck?" I said, "Girl, don't make a fuss, Just get some butter from the kitchen And give my belly a little push!" She grabbed me by the ankles, Gave a mighty Christmas shove, And I shot out like a cannon Through the fireplace above! I landed in the eggnog, Sent the cookies flying high, And the dog ran off with Santa's hat While I stared up at the sky! [Final Chorus - Explosive full band] I'm fat, baby! I'm THAT, baby! Bass fat, dropping the thread! Got a belly full of cookies And a chimney full of dread! I'm fat, baby! I'm THAT, baby! Shake that roof instead! If I can't get down the chimney, I'll bring the whole damn house to bed! BOOM! BOOM! Let the whole house shake! One more Christmas cookie Is a risk I'm gonna take! I'm fat, baby! I'm THAT, baby! Bass fat till the end! Next year I'm using the front door, My chimney days are dead! [Outro - Slowing down, spoken] Ho... ho... ho... I gotta lose some weight... Just a pound or two... [Pause] Anybody got a cookie? [Final bass slide]
