I should start charging consultation fees cause every ex of mine finds clarity after me I teach communication, healthy boundaries too then six months later they got wedding photos shootin’ through one learned patience one learned trust one learned not to throw phones when she’s drunk as— well anyway now she got three whole kids posting “found my soulmate” pics and I’m like wow that’s fantastic happy for y’all that’s just magic strange how every breakthrough happened right after my address vanished Pre-Chorus I’m the emotional clearance rack the free sample before the snack the tutorial level nobody stays in Chorus I’m everybody’s practice run the “almost maybe” before “the one” I’m the guy that gets your life together for the dude y’all date forever you leave me broken, healed, and wiser then marry somebody calmer, taller, quieter I should get a thank-you card signed sincerely “couldn’t have fixed her without you dearly” Verse 2 One girl told me I was “too emotionally mature” next thing I know she engaged to a guy named Curt Curt sells boat parts and posts minion memes but apparently Curt is the man of dreams another said I “made her realize her worth” cool, glad my suffering had some use on Earth cause now she got a farmhouse and chickens out back while I’m eating cold pizza watching old reruns of Cops I’m basically relationship rehab women show up chaotic and sad then leave with communication skills and a husband with dental benefits Pre-Chorus At this point I need royalties or at least a referral fee cause y’all keep building forever homes with bricks you stole from me Chorus I’m everybody’s practice run the “almost maybe” before “the one” I’m the guy that gets your life together for the dude y’all date forever you leave me broken, healed, and wiser then marry somebody calmer, taller, quieter I should get a thank-you card signed sincerely “couldn’t have fixed her without you dearly” Bridge Maybe I’m the human version of updating software systems download all my lessons learned then uninstall the person meanwhile I’m still sitting here being somebody’s character arc like “thank you for teaching me love” cool now please leave my Netflix password alone Final Chorus I’m everybody’s practice run Cupid’s least favorite employee of the month the foster home for future wives helping strangers stabilize their lives one day I’ll meet somebody too probably fresh from somebody else like you and we’ll laugh about all the damage done two practice runs finally becoming one
