**[Intro]** *[Low bass. Vinyl crackle. Distant police siren. A rubber duck squeaks once.]* **[Young Deez, spoken]** My father never had any money. Not for groceries. Not for rent. But somehow... *[SQUEAK]* ...that rubberducker always had another duck. **[Verse 1]** We had one old couch and a half-empty fridge, But the bathtub looked like it belonged to the rich. Yellow on the left, blue by the drain, A duck with a sailor hat, one dressed like a train. I said, “Dad, where'd you get all these toys?” He said, “Don't ask questions.” That's when I started watchin' Every Tuesday night, a car pulled up slow, Two knocks at the door, then one more. Dad took a cardboard crate, looked left, looked right, Like he was moving contraband in the middle of the night. I saw him count cash. I saw him count ducks. Then The Count showed up and started countin' too. [The Count] One, Two, Three, Four, Five Ducks! *squeak* ah, ah, ah! **[Chorus]** Rubber duck money, rubber duck crime, Something's going down and I'm watching the time. Yellow little soldiers, lined up in rows, Nobody knows where the rubber duck goes. Rubber duck money, bathwater gold, Dad says it's nothing, but I ain't sold. You can tell me “hobby,” you can tell me “luck,” But nobody needs a hundred rubber ducks. **[Verse 2]** I followed one shipment down to the park, Dad met a guy when it was getting dark. Black trench coat, briefcase in his hand, He said, “Ernie,” real quiet. Dad said, “Yeah, man.” The briefcase opened. Six ducks. And a snorkel set. The man took the ducks, Dad took the cash, They shook hands once and the deal was passed. I ran home and called my friend. **[Young Deez, spoken]** I think my dad's in the rubber-duck business. **[Friend]** Your dad's a rubberducker? **[Young Deez]** That's what I'm afraid of. **[Verse 3]** Then I found the ledger underneath his bed, Every duck accounted for, every color marked in red. Green duck. Purple duck. Duck with a hat. **[Beat.]** What kind of operation was that? There was a warehouse. *[Record scratch.]* Well... Technically a closet. But it was a **big** closet. Stacked floor to ceiling, sealed up tight, Dad called it “inventory.” I called it “evidence.” **[Chorus]** Rubber duck money, rubber duck crime, Something's going down and I'm watching the time. Yellow little soldiers, lined up in rows, Nobody knows where the rubber duck goes. Rubber duck money, bathwater gold, Dad says it's nothing, but I ain't sold. You can tell me “hobby,” you can tell me “luck,” But nobody needs a hundred rubber ducks. **[Bridge]** I waited by the window. I watched the door. A black sedan rolled up at a quarter to four. Three men got out. One carried a case. They walked inside. *[Three rapid SQUEAKS.]* **[Young Deez, whispered]** This is it. Tonight, we take 'em down. **[Verse 4]** I kicked that door open, ready for war, Dad turned around with a duck in his palm. **[Young Deez]** You're under arrest, rubberducker! **[Ernie]** For what? **[Young Deez]** The money. The boxes. The meetings! **[Ernie]** Buddy... *[Beat drops out.]* **[Ernie]** I sell them at the flea market. **[Young Deez]** ... **[Ernie]** People like ducks. **[Young Deez]** You don't make any money. **[Ernie]** Not really. **[Young Deez]** Then why do you have so many? **[Ernie]** They're cute. *[Long pause.]* **[Young Deez]** That's worse. **[Final Chorus]** Rubber duck money, rubber duck dreams, Nothing in my father's life is what it seems. Couldn't pay the landlord, couldn't fix the truck, But somehow every bathtub overflowed with ducks. There wasn't no cartel. There wasn't no crew. Just Ernie and his ducks, And a flea-market hustle... *[SQUEAK]* ...just one rubberducker **and a whole lotta trouble.** **[Outro]** *[Soft piano.]* **[Young Deez, spoken]** He wasn't a criminal. He was just terrible with money. *[Squeak. Squeak.]* **[Ernie, distant]** Hey, buddy! You want this one? It's dressed like a cowboy! **[Young Deez]** Dad, you don't have two dollars. **[Ernie]** I know. *[Vinyl crackle.]* **[Young Deez]** That's what I was afraid of.
