[Bright PatchCortian™* fanfare. Suspiciously cheerful.] [VERSE 1] I got a little letter From the people with the money, It said, “We think you’re wonderful!” Which already sounded funny. They said, “We’ve got an offer, Reserved especially for you.” Fifteen hundred dollars credit. I said, “Are you sure you meant to?” [PRE-CHORUS] I read the pretty headline, I read the little rate, I read the tiny symbol That was lurking there in wait… [CHORUS] Congratulations! You’ve been approved!* Everything is settled! Everything is smooth!* Raise up a glass, celebrate your fate! Pending final verification. [PatchCortian™*: cheerful descending flourish.] JUDITH, spoken: There it is. ⸻ [VERSE 2] No annual fee!* One percent back!* Retail protection!* They’ve got my back!* There’s an offer for my dining, There’s an offer for a show, There’s an offer for an offer That I’m frightened now to know. I clicked through five whole pages, Every page said, “You’re the best!” Then somewhere near the basement Was an asterisk in a vest. [CHORUS] Congratulations! You’ve been approved!* Your card is coming! Nothing left to prove!* Seven little business days and then we celebrate! Pending final verification. JUDITH, spoken: You keep using “approved.” I do not think it means what your lawyers think it means. ⸻ [BREAKDOWN] [PatchCortian™* becomes a rigid corporate hold-music waltz.] CORPORATE VOICE: Your application has been approved.* JUDITH: Lovely. CORPORATE VOICE: Your card will be on the way soon.* JUDITH: Wonderful. CORPORATE VOICE: Credit line: fifteen hundred dollars. JUDITH: …Really? CORPORATE VOICE: Pending final verification. [Beat.] JUDITH: There’s the bastard. ⸻ [VERSE 3] My credit score’s five-ninety-five, I know what numbers mean. It isn’t quite a dumpster fire, But neither is it clean. So somewhere in Nevada An algorithm saw my file, Stared deeply at the evidence And whispered with a smile: CORPORATE CHOIR: “Give Wilbur fifteen hundred bucks!” [ PatchCortian™* : OINK.] JUDITH: Excuse me? [MixCordian: OINK OINK.] ⸻ [BIG CHORUS] CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE BEEN APPROVED!* THE BAR HAS BEEN LOWERED! THE GOALPOST MOVED!* THE BANK HAS MADE A CHOICE IT MAY EVENTUALLY REGRET! Pending final verification. No annual fee!* One percent back!* Zero fraud liability!* ASTERISK ATTACK! Every promise has a footnote, Every footnote has a mate, Every mate has legal counsel… Pending. Final. Verification. ⸻ [BRIDGE] [Everything drops out except accordion and one tiny electronic pulse.] If life itself had fine print, I know what mine would say: “Congratulations, Judith, You have successfully survived today.* *Subject to change without notice. Benefits may not apply. Existence may be terminated By issuer at any time.” [Pause.] JUDITH, spoken: That seems reasonable. ⸻ [FINAL CHORUS – increasingly triumphant] Congratulations! I’ve been approved!* Against good sense and probability, too!* Put fifteen hundred dollars on the table, seal my fate! Pending final verification. I’ll take the card! I’ll take the points! I’ll take whatever dignity remains! But if tomorrow you decide That this was all a big mistake… [Music stops.] JUDITH: Well, bathe me in buttermilk and call me Wilbur. [PatchCortian™* : enormous triumphant OINK.] CORPORATE VOICE, tiny: Terms and conditions may apply. [One final accordion chord.] ™* -- fictitious trademark is pending final verification.
