FUCKING HELL, I LOVE YOU [Verse 1 — Male] You left your fucking hair all down the drain, Your wet towel's on the floor again, You spent my money on a pair of shoes, Then asked me why I've got nothing to lose. You nag, you bitch, you roll your eyes, I've fantasised about your demise, I'd happily dig a hole six feet deep, Then bitch about the gardening bill all week. [Verse 2 — Female] You snore like a bastard dying in pain, You leave dirty plates beside the sink again, You said you'd fix the fucking kitchen light, It's been three bloody months and still no sign. You're such a dick, you're such a prick, I'd happily push you off a cliff, Then I'd stand there shouting, "What a shame," Before remembering I don't know your life insurance claim. [Pre-Chorus — Both] Oh, here we fucking go again, Two lunatics pretending we're friends, One more insult, one more threat, One more reason we haven't killed each other yet. [Chorus — Both] I'd fucking kill you if I didn't love you, I'd throw your bloody body in the sea, I'd swear to God I'd never fucking miss you, Then wonder why you haven't called me. You'd slit my throat, I'd break your nose, We'd probably argue while the ambulance goes, We're fucked-up, we're vicious, we're absurd, You're the biggest pain in my arse And you're still my favourite person in the world. [Verse 3 — Male] You call me useless, lazy, thick, I call you Satan with better tits, You said, "Go fuck yourself," so I did, Then you got pissed off that I did it. You threw my phone against the wall, I said, "Fine, that's the last straw, that's all," You said, "Good, then get the fuck out," I said, "Gladly!" Then we ordered Chinese food. [Verse 4 — Female] You bought a chainsaw just to scare me, You absolute fucking idiot, honestly, You stood there grinning like a psychopath, Then couldn't start the bastard when I laughed. I sharpened all the kitchen knives, Just to make a point about our lives, You said, "That's not remotely okay," I said, "Neither are you, but here we stay." [Pre-Chorus — Both] Oh, here we fucking go again, Calling each other names at half past ten, We could walk away, but what's the fun? Besides, you're the only bastard I can stand. [Chorus — Both] I'd fucking kill you if I didn't love you, I'd throw your bloody body in the sea, I'd swear to God I'd never fucking miss you, Then wonder why you haven't called me. You'd slit my throat, I'd break your nose, We'd probably argue while the ambulance goes, We're fucked-up, we're vicious, we're absurd, You're the biggest pain in my arse And you're still my favourite person in the world. [Bridge — Female] I hate your face. [Male] I hate your laugh. [Female] I hate your fucking stupid bath. [Male] I hate your friends. [Female] I hate your mates. [Both] I hate the way you leave the fucking plates! [Male] One day I'll finally lose my mind— [Female] Yeah, well, get in line. [Both — Quietly] ...Do you want a cup of tea? [Final Chorus — Both, Huge] I'd fucking kill you if I didn't love you, I'd bury you beneath the garden shed, I'd write "Here lies an absolute bastard" On a fucking plaque above your head. You'd haunt me just to piss me off, I'd haunt you back and call your bluff, We're fucked-up, we're vicious, we're absurd, You're the biggest pain in my arse— [Female] —You fucking bastard. [Male] —You fucking cow. [Both] And I wouldn't change a fucking thing right now. [Outro — Spoken] [Male] "Still want to murder me?" [Female] "Obviously." [Male] "Fancy a takeaway?" [Female] "...Yeah." [Both] "Fuck's sake."
