[INTRO – CHEAP FM ROCK JINGLE] [JINGLE] “ONE-OH-FOUR-POINT-TWO... THE SPLAT!” [SFX: AIRHORN] [MEATBALL – LOUD AMERICAN HOST] GOOD EVENING, AMERICA! It’s eleven forty-three, your children should be asleep, and legally we are still considered a radio station. [THE CRACK] Barely. [MEATBALL] MEATBALL AND THE CRACK! [JINGLE] “Two idiots! One studio! No emergency plan!” [THE CRACK] What are we doing tonight? [MEATBALL] I found this radio in the basement. [THE CRACK] Why were you in the basement? [MEATBALL] Court order. [PAUSE] [THE CRACK] Fair enough. [SFX: OLD RADIO TUNING] [SFX: STATIC] [BRITISH ANNOUNCER – EXTREMELY FORMAL] This is the World Service. Violence has continued in northern Belnazar following the collapse of negotiations with the Splongari minority. [MEATBALL] Where the hell is Belnazar? [THE CRACK] Europe. [MEATBALL] You don’t know that. [THE CRACK] Sounds European. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] President Oskar Velm has ordered troops into Drembul Square after separatists seized the ceremonial Flunterstone. Neighbouring Brastikistan has closed its border and suspended all commercial wobble. [THE CRACK] Commercial wobble. [MEATBALL] That’s gonna hurt the economy. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Upper and Lower Grambek have resumed negotiations over the disputed Nib-Nab Valley. Under the agreement, seventeen ceremonial goats will be exchanged for forty tonnes of strategic pudding. [THE CRACK LAUGHS] [MEATBALL] SHUT UP! I’m trying to understand geopolitics! [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] And now, financial news. The international price of sponge has risen six plunks to eighty-seven grimbles. The Bellington Flange Index closed down fourteen trousers. [MEATBALL] Fourteen trousers?! [THE CRACK] Jesus. [MEATBALL] Sell everything. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Scientists at the University of East Crumpet have taught a refrigerator to recognise disappointment. Researchers say the appliance remains unable to forgive. [THE CRACK] Science is incredible. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] And now, sport. [SFX: TINY FANFARE] The Cringleton Wompers defeated the Upper Brackley Fizzlebats by eighty-seven plonk to sixty-three womble. [MEATBALL] YES! WOMPERS, BABY! [SFX: AIRHORN] [THE CRACK] You learned they existed five seconds ago! [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Grimble United drew three biscuits apiece with Sporting Pliff-Pliff after Nigel Scrunt received a yellow handbag for unnecessary goose. [THE CRACK] Unnecessary goose. [MEATBALL] You cannot bring that into the penalty area. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Denmark’s Jørgen Wibble has been disqualified from splonking for excessive trouser. [MEATBALL] AGAIN?! [THE CRACK] That guy never learns. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Weather. Heavy rain is expected across northern England. Brastikistan will experience moderate chair. Residents of Lower Grambek should remain indoors due to severe Wednesday. [MEATBALL] Severe Wednesday? [THE CRACK] We get that here sometimes. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Tomorrow will reach twenty-three degrees in London, nineteen in Manchester, and seven sandwiches in the Wibble district. Visibility will remain mostly purple. [LONG PAUSE] [MEATBALL] I think the radio’s broken. [THE CRACK] Keep listening. [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Authorities in Crunglebottom are searching for a man described as professionally damp and carrying several administrative ducks. Do not approach him without a valid spoon licence. [THE CRACK] ADMINISTRATIVE DUCKS?! [BRITISH ANNOUNCER] At the tone, the time will be... forty-two railway. [BEEP] [DEAD SILENCE] [MEATBALL] What time is it? [THE CRACK] Forty-two railway. [MEATBALL] Okay. [SFX: PHONE RING] [MEATBALL] Caller one, you’re live. [CALLER – PHONE FILTER] Longtime listener. I actually lived in Brastikistan. [MEATBALL] NO YOU DIDN’T. [CALLER] My wife is Splongari. [THE CRACK] Ask him about the wobble! [MEATBALL] HOW BAD IS THE WOBBLE?! [CALLER] Terrible. My uncle lost three trousers. [THE CRACK] Thoughts and prayers. [SFX: CALL DISCONNECT] [COMMERCIAL JINGLE] [ADVERTISEMENT VOICE] Tonight’s broadcast is brought to you by... DOCTOR GARY’S EMERGENCY MAYONNAISE! Is your mayonnaise taking too long? Gary fixes that. “Because sometimes... mayonnaise cannot wait.” [FAST DISCLAIMER] Doctor Gary is not a doctor. Product may contain gravel. [SFX: EXPLOSION] [MEATBALL] Traffic! [TRAFFIC REPORTER] Traffic is heavy on Interstate Eight due to an overturned sofa. Expect delays between Exit Twelve and Belgium. [MEATBALL] Thank you, Steve. [TRAFFIC REPORTER] I am not Steve. [MEATBALL] Thank you, Steve. [JINGLE] “MEATBALL AND THE CRAAAACK!” [THE CRACK] Coming up next... is it food? [MEATBALL] We have something in a bucket. [THE CRACK] Does it smell? [MEATBALL] It has a lawyer. [THE CRACK] Oh no. [SFX: AIRHORN] [SFX: GLASS BREAKING] [JINGLE] “ONE-OH-FOUR-POINT-TWO... THE SPLAT!” [STATIC] [BRITISH ANNOUNCER – DISTANT] ...and the Ministry of Pudding has confirmed that Thursday remains illegal... [SFX: RADIO CUTS OUT] [END]
