[Intro] Attention everybody... Please... Remain calm... Something happened... To them. [Verse 1] Coffee too hot? Manager better know. Traffic backed up? Personal attack, bro. Phone hit one percent? Whole world's outta line. Stub your toe on the coffee table... Now it's guilty of a hate crime. Miss your own damn exit? GPS should've tried harder. Burn your frozen pizza? Clearly sabotage by Martha. Every bad decision... Somebody else to blame. Got excuses alphabetized... By first and middle name. [Pre-Chorus] Nothing's ever... Your responsibility. That's impressive. [Chorus] Professional victim Clocking in at nine Punch the blame card... Every single time Professional victim Gold medal every year If accountability knocked... You'd pretend... Nobody's here. [Verse 2] Lose an argument online? Everybody's toxic now. Read one sentence you don't like? "Lawyer! Judge! Take 'em down!" Weather didn't match your plans? Clouds should know your schedule. Dropped your fries? Must've been... A government vegetable. Bought a gym membership... Never used the place. Left a one-star Google review... "Exercise was way too exercise." [Pre-Chorus] Mirror tells the truth... You file a complaint. [Chorus] Professional victim Everything's unfair Even your reflection... Needs to be more aware. Professional victim Walking tragedy Everybody owes you... Everything for free. [Bridge] Breaking news... You survived another consequence. Doctors say... You'll probably make it. Thoughts and prayers. [Verse 3] Dropped your phone? Gravity's a hater. Missed your flight? Time should've waited. Forgot her birthday? Calendar's corrupted. Burned every bridge you crossed... Now you're shocked... Traffic's interrupted. Every story's got a villain... Funny how it's never you. If denial paid the mortgage... You'd own the whole damn avenue. [Final Chorus] Professional victim Lifetime guarantee Everybody broke your heart... Except reality. Professional victim One more alibi If common sense walked in... You'd probably... Ask it why. Professional victim... Must be exhausting... Being innocent... All the time.
