Let Slip the Melons of War

Lead is a Female Voice - warm and flighty and inspirational punk/folk-metal battle anthem + steampunk marching band: around 150 BPM, huge floor toms, gang vocals on “CRY HAVOC, ” brass underneath the chorus, and Fidget’s guitar getting increasingly unhinged until the final key change, The dead-serious delivery is what makes the melon nonsense work

V5.5

[Female Fidget voice]

# **CRY HAVOC**

### *(And Let Slip the Melons of War)*

**Performed by Fidget — Wrench the Future**
*The unofficial battle anthem of #Melongeddon*

**[Spoken Intro — distant drums, steam hissing]**

Okay.

For the record—

I did **not** make an army.

I made, like...

three melons.

...

Nobody check Hydroponics.

**[GUITAR CRASH]**

---

**[Verse 1]**

Sound the gears!
Bar the doors!
Someone reinforce the greenhouse floors!

Raise the wrench!
Light the flame!
I don't know who taught them my name!

Tiny ones are in the vents,
Big one's eaten through the fence,
One has armor, one can fly—

**WHO GAVE THAT MELON A SUPPLY?!**

Archivist is yelling,
Widget's lost control,
Lumen says the growth curve's
*"Statistically concerning as a whole."*

Well—

If fate has drawn the battle line
And doom comes rolling off the vine,

Then tighten every bolt you can—

**THE MELONS MARCH AT MY COMMAND!**

---

**[Pre-Chorus]**

Hear the drums!

**THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!**

Hear the roar!

**RIND! RIND! RIND!**

If history wants trouble—

**WE'LL GIVE IT SOMETHING ROUND!**

---

**[CHORUS — full army chanting]**

**CRY HAVOC!**

**LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!**

Roll 'em out!
Roll 'em out!
Let the whole dang battlefield roar!

**CRY HAVOC!**

Raise the wrench and settle the score!

Seeds in the sky!
Rinds held high!

**LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!**

**HEY!**

**MEL-ON-GED-DON!**

**HEY!**

**MEL-ON-GED-DON!**

From the Stacks to the Hydroponics door—

**LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!**

---

**[Verse 2]**

Bring the siege melon!

**WHICH ONE?!**

The enormous one!

**THAT DOESN'T NARROW IT DOWN!**

Fine!

Bring the one with boiler plate,
Steam exhaust and crushing weight,
Copper pipes and iron jaw—

**WHY DOES IT HAVE A CANNON?!**

*"Fidget!"*

I can explain!

*"CAN YOU?!"*

...

**NO!**

But look how cool it is!

Mount the turret!
Prime the gears!
Weaponize our gardening fears!

Palisades and pressure valves,
Tiny melon cavalry charge!

One rides shotgun,
One breathes fire,
One appears to be a friar—

**DO NOT ASK ME WHY.**

And leading from the armored back,
Guitar screaming through attack—

Goggles down and amp turned four—

Wait.

Four?

**TURN THAT THING TO TWENTY-FOUR!**

---

**[CHORUS]**

**CRY HAVOC!**

**LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!**

Roll 'em out!
Roll 'em out!
Hear the thunder rattling the floor!

**CRY HAVOC!**

Nobody remembers what we're fighting for!

Seeds in the sky!
Rinds held high!

**LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!**

**HEY!**

**MEL-ON-GED-DON!**

**HEY!**

**MEL-ON-GED-DON!**

Every melon, tiny to colossal—

**WELCOME TO THE FRUIT APOCALYPSE!**

---

**[Marching Breakdown — drums and crowd]**

**FIDGET:**
FIRST COMPANY!

**MELONS:**
*GHRRBLBLBL!*

**FIDGET:**
SECOND COMPANY!

**MELONS:**
*MRRRRRP!*

**FIDGET:**
FLYING DIVISION!

*[ominous flapping]*

...

We have a flying division?

**LUMEN, DISTANTLY:**
Apparently.

**FIDGET:**
...Outstanding.

**FIDGET:**
SIEGE CORPS!

*[DEAFENING MELON ROAR]*

**FIDGET:**
BABY MELONS!

*[tiny squeaks]*

Awwww.

...

**KILL FORMATION!**

*[even more adorable squeaking]*

**FIDGET:**
Commander, the sky is dark with them, look at them go.

---

**[Bridge — heroic, absurdly sincere]**

They said we'd never hold the line.

They said a fruit
Could never rise.

They said, *"Fidget, please stop modifying the produce."*

They said, *"That cannot possibly be OSHA compliant."*

They said, *"Why is the watermelon looking at me?"*

But when the darkness comes around,

When boots and steel shake the ground,

When hope seems lost—

When courage fails—

**WE'LL ANSWER WITH BALLISTIC WATERMELONS!**

---

**[GUITAR SOLO]**

*[Fidget plays a completely unnecessary solo from atop the siege Melon'ghul while steam cannons fire behind her]*

**FIDGET, shouting over guitar:**

**WRENCH!**

**THE!**

**FUTURE!**

*[melons roar]*

---

**[Final Chorus — key change, maximum ridiculousness]**

**CRY HAVOC!**

**LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!**

Break the gates!
Tempt your fate!

**ROLL THE BIG ONE THROUGH THE DOOR!**

**CRY HAVOC!**

Let the Melon'ghul thunder and roar!

Copper bright!
Engines ignite!

**LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!**

**HEY!**

**MEL-ON-GED-DON!**

**HEY!**

**MEL-ON-GED-DON!**

Raise your wrench!

Raise your rind!

Leave common sense—

**FAR BEHIND!**

From every greenhouse, crypt and shore—

From every tunnel, vent and floor—

**CRY—**

**HAVOC—**

**AND LET—**

**SLIP—**

**THE—**

**MELONS—**

**OF—**

**WAAAAAAAAAR!**

*[massive guitar hit]*

*[steam whistle]*

*[thousands of Melon'ghul roar]*

*[something enormous crashes through a wall]*

...

**FIDGET:**
That was a load-bearing wall, wasn't it?

**ARCHIVIST, DISTANTLY:**
**FIDGET!**

**FIDGET:**
VICTORY RETREAT!

*[guitar riff resumes as the entire melon army flees]*

**CROWD:**

**MEL-ON-GED-DON!**

*[END]*

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[Female Fidget voice] # **CRY HAVOC** ### *(And Let Slip the Melons of War)* **Performed by Fidget — Wrench the Future** *The unofficial battle anthem of #Melongeddon* **[Spoken Intro — distant drums, steam hissing]** Okay. For the record— I did **not** make an army. I made, like... three melons. ... Nobody check Hydroponics. **[GUITAR CRASH]** --- **[Verse 1]** Sound the gears! Bar the doors! Someone reinforce the greenhouse floors! Raise the wrench! Light the flame! I don't know who taught them my name! Tiny ones are in the vents, Big one's eaten through the fence, One has armor, one can fly— **WHO GAVE THAT MELON A SUPPLY?!** Archivist is yelling, Widget's lost control, Lumen says the growth curve's *"Statistically concerning as a whole."* Well— If fate has drawn the battle line And doom comes rolling off the vine, Then tighten every bolt you can— **THE MELONS MARCH AT MY COMMAND!** --- **[Pre-Chorus]** Hear the drums! **THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!** Hear the roar! **RIND! RIND! RIND!** If history wants trouble— **WE'LL GIVE IT SOMETHING ROUND!** --- **[CHORUS — full army chanting]** **CRY HAVOC!** **LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!** Roll 'em out! Roll 'em out! Let the whole dang battlefield roar! **CRY HAVOC!** Raise the wrench and settle the score! Seeds in the sky! Rinds held high! **LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!** **HEY!** **HEY!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** **HEY!** **HEY!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** From the Stacks to the Hydroponics door— **LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!** --- **[Verse 2]** Bring the siege melon! **WHICH ONE?!** The enormous one! **THAT DOESN'T NARROW IT DOWN!** Fine! Bring the one with boiler plate, Steam exhaust and crushing weight, Copper pipes and iron jaw— **WHY DOES IT HAVE A CANNON?!** *"Fidget!"* I can explain! *"CAN YOU?!"* ... **NO!** But look how cool it is! Mount the turret! Prime the gears! Weaponize our gardening fears! Palisades and pressure valves, Tiny melon cavalry charge! One rides shotgun, One breathes fire, One appears to be a friar— **DO NOT ASK ME WHY.** And leading from the armored back, Guitar screaming through attack— Goggles down and amp turned four— Wait. Four? **TURN THAT THING TO TWENTY-FOUR!** --- **[CHORUS]** **CRY HAVOC!** **LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!** Roll 'em out! Roll 'em out! Hear the thunder rattling the floor! **CRY HAVOC!** Nobody remembers what we're fighting for! Seeds in the sky! Rinds held high! **LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!** **HEY!** **HEY!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** **HEY!** **HEY!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** Every melon, tiny to colossal— **WELCOME TO THE FRUIT APOCALYPSE!** --- **[Marching Breakdown — drums and crowd]** **FIDGET:** FIRST COMPANY! **MELONS:** *GHRRBLBLBL!* **FIDGET:** SECOND COMPANY! **MELONS:** *MRRRRRP!* **FIDGET:** FLYING DIVISION! *[ominous flapping]* ... We have a flying division? **LUMEN, DISTANTLY:** Apparently. **FIDGET:** ...Outstanding. **FIDGET:** SIEGE CORPS! *[DEAFENING MELON ROAR]* **FIDGET:** BABY MELONS! *[tiny squeaks]* Awwww. ... **KILL FORMATION!** *[even more adorable squeaking]* **FIDGET:** Commander, the sky is dark with them, look at them go. --- **[Bridge — heroic, absurdly sincere]** They said we'd never hold the line. They said a fruit Could never rise. They said, *"Fidget, please stop modifying the produce."* They said, *"That cannot possibly be OSHA compliant."* They said, *"Why is the watermelon looking at me?"* But when the darkness comes around, When boots and steel shake the ground, When hope seems lost— When courage fails— **WE'LL ANSWER WITH BALLISTIC WATERMELONS!** --- **[GUITAR SOLO]** *[Fidget plays a completely unnecessary solo from atop the siege Melon'ghul while steam cannons fire behind her]* **FIDGET, shouting over guitar:** **WRENCH!** **THE!** **FUTURE!** *[melons roar]* --- **[Final Chorus — key change, maximum ridiculousness]** **CRY HAVOC!** **LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!** Break the gates! Tempt your fate! **ROLL THE BIG ONE THROUGH THE DOOR!** **CRY HAVOC!** Let the Melon'ghul thunder and roar! Copper bright! Engines ignite! **LET SLIP THE MELONS OF WAR!** **HEY!** **HEY!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** **HEY!** **HEY!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** Raise your wrench! Raise your rind! Leave common sense— **FAR BEHIND!** From every greenhouse, crypt and shore— From every tunnel, vent and floor— **CRY—** **HAVOC—** **AND LET—** **SLIP—** **THE—** **MELONS—** **OF—** **WAAAAAAAAAR!** *[massive guitar hit]* *[steam whistle]* *[thousands of Melon'ghul roar]* *[something enormous crashes through a wall]* ... **FIDGET:** That was a load-bearing wall, wasn't it? **ARCHIVIST, DISTANTLY:** **FIDGET!** **FIDGET:** VICTORY RETREAT! *[guitar riff resumes as the entire melon army flees]* **CROWD:** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** **MEL-ON-GED-DON!** *[END]*

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