[Intro — Spoken, over spooky saloon piano] Well, I've been singing Halloween songs for forty-seven years. I've sung about monsters, witches, vampires, and ghosts. But somebody told me last Halloween that I hadn't sung a real Halloween song… Because I never mentioned what happened to my poor old mama. Well, pour me another pumpkin-spiced whiskey, boys. This one's gonna have EVERYTHING. [Verse 1] I was born on Friday the thirteenth, In a haunted house out west, The doctor was an evil scientist And the midwife was possessed. My daddy was a vampire, My mama was a witch, They left me in a pumpkin patch And drove off into a ditch I grew up chasing black cats, With a scarecrow for a friend, And every time I thought I was alive, I'd have to die again! [Chorus] You gotta have a monster, You gotta have a ghost, A skeleton who's dancing And a vampire at the post. You gotta have a witch's brew, A full moon shining bright, A haunted house, a hearse, a curse, And somebody screaming, “FLIGHT!” You gotta have a trick-or-treater, A werewolf on the run, A graveyard full of zombies Having way too much fun. And if you think your Halloween song Is spooky as can be, You better put my mama in it— Or it ain't no song to me! [Verse 2] Well, I went to a monster party At the cemetery gate, The Mummy did the Monster Mash, But Dracula was late. The Wolfman brought a record, The Creature brought a bass, The Invisible Man got drunk And disappeared without a trace. The Addams family was dancing, Frankenstein was on the floor, The Bride was doing the twist With a zombie from next door. Then the Ghostbusters came a-knocking, Said, “There's something in your truck!” I said, “That's just my mother-in-law— She's been dead since '64!” [Chorus] You gotta have a monster, You gotta have a ghost, A skeleton who's dancing And a vampire at the post. You gotta have a witch's brew, A full moon shining bright, A haunted house, a hearse, a curse, And somebody screaming, “FLIGHT!” You gotta have a trick-or-treater, A werewolf on the run, A graveyard full of zombies Having way too much fun. And if you think your Halloween song Is spooky as can be, You better put my mama in it— Or it ain't no song to me! [Verse 3] Well, I was driving home at midnight In my '67 hearse, When a black cat crossed the highway And my luck got even worse. The engine started howling, The radio played backwards, A voice came through the speakers Saying, “Son, you're cursed!” A zombie stole my wallet, A bat flew through the glass, A headless horseman passed me Going ninety-five and holding a lamp Then the Devil pulled beside me In a hot rod painted green, Said, “Son, I've heard some scary songs, But yours is mighty mean!” [Verse 4] I got home and found my pumpkin Had been eaten by a ghoul, My skeleton was missing, And my black cat joined a cult. My girlfriend ran off with a werewolf, My truck was stolen by a ghost, And the sheriff said my mama Was the one who scared him most. Then I heard a mighty whistle From the railroad down below, And I saw my mama's shadow Where the midnight train would go. She'd been chasing down a vampire With a broomstick in her hand, When a freight train full of goblins Rolled right through our haunted land! [Bridge — Slow, mournful country ballad] Now, some folks sing of heartbreak, Some sing of whiskey and rain, Some sing of lost old lovers And the cold November pain. But if you're gonna sing of Halloween, You need a little fright, A black cat, a haunted shack, And a full moon in the night. You need a bat, a curse, a hearse, A monster on the loose, A witch who drinks tequila And a zombie eating goose. And you need a mama, bless her heart, Who's been dead since '83, But every Halloween she rises Just to come and visit me! [Final Verse — The Big Reveal] Well, I finally wrote the perfect song, With every frightful thing, A hundred years of Halloween And every ghost that sings. I had the Mash, the Thriller, The witches and the bats, The haunted-house piano, And a dozen dancing cats. I had the screams, the midnight dreams, The vampires dressed in black, But I left out one small detail That brought the whole thing back. I never said my mama's name, I never told her why, I never even called her Before she went and died. So I called her up on Halloween, Though she'd been gone for years, And the operator answered, With a voice that chilled my ears. She said, “Your mama's out of the graveyard, And she's headed home tonight, But she's riding with a werewolf And the Devil's driving right!” [Final Chorus — Full band, gang vocals, handclaps] You gotta have a monster, You gotta have a ghost, A skeleton who's dancing And a vampire at the post. You gotta have a witch's brew, A full moon shining bright, A haunted house, a hearse, a curse, And somebody screaming, “FLIGHT!” You gotta have a trick-or-treater, A werewolf on the run, A graveyard full of zombies Having way too much fun. And if you think your Halloween song Is spooky as can be, You better call your mama— IF SHE'S
