The Cottontail’s Continental Cheer (A Taunt for the Invasive)

(Tempo: Fast, rhythmic, and high-energy, like a hare drumming its foot) (Verse 1: The Social Scrutiny) Hey, Old World Bunny, look what you have done, You brought your luggage but you haven't won. You’re Oryctolagus, a herd animal, a clan , We’re Sylvilagus, we stick to the plan. You gather up and huddle in your deep and dusty warren home, Twenty rabbits clustered, you never want to roam. That gregarious nature, we simply can’t abide, When New World rabbits gather, the only result is homicide! (Chorus) You’re just a pest. You never should have come west. But I’ll tell you this for free. You’re never gonna achieve epidemiological escape velocity. (Verse 2: The Geography of Failure) You conquered Australia with a continental leap , While here on the mainland, your presence is asleep. You’re stuck on Vancouver, an island, or a shore, A localized problem, and nothing, nothing more. You thought the continent would be an easy ride, But your territory stays tight against the rising tide. You eat the lawns and gardens where the humans have been bad, But out in the wild, you’re just the best laugh we have ever had! (Chorus) You’re just a pest. You never should have come west. But I’ll tell you this for free. You’re never gonna achieve epidemiological escape velocity. (Verse 3: The Viral Veto) You want to know the secret to your lack of continental fame? A tiny little pathogen that burns out all your game. We got a friend, a highly virulent MV , The Myxoma Virus, the original decree! The native Brush Rabbit holds the virus close and keen, The Sylvilagus reservoir keeps the West Coast clean. Your high-density grouping is a weakness we exploit, That tightly-packed warren means you’re history—adroit! (Bridge: The Predator Paradox) Your boom-and-bust cycle, it doesn’t help the Canis pack, The Coyote knows our cottontail is the better, native snack. And when the humans try to deal with your mess, They bring in ferrets and make the problem twice as stressed! Secondary invaders from your failed coastal base, Another messy footnote to your embarrassing North American race. (Outro) So go on, little bunny, and hide out in your hole, You can’t take the continent, we keep ultimate control. We’re spread out and healthy, resilient and free, While you’re stuck on an island, waiting for your destiny!