# The Teapot Incident [Intro — *Tea with the Monsters*, spoken] “Who’s put a rubber duck in the teapot?” ... Quack. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” [Band crashes in — gothic cabaret drums, distorted guitar, manic strings] [Verse 1] There’s a yellow little suspect Floating proudly in my tea, With the confidence of someone Who knows damn well it wasn’t me. Skeletons look innocent, Which means they’re guilty, obviously. The vampire’s staring at the ceiling, And the demon’s blaming me. There are footprints on the table, There is glitter on the floor, There’s a tiny handwritten warning: **DO NOT OPEN PANTRY DOOR.** I look around the room and sigh, “Right. What have you lot done now?” [Pre-Chorus] Nobody move! Nobody speak! Who gave the gargoyle My biscuits this week? Someone is laughing, Someone looks scared— And somehow there’s a second duck Just sitting on the stairs. [Chorus] It’s the teapot incident, Nobody knows what it meant. There are rubber ducks appearing Everywhere that I just went. One inside the biscuit tin, Three beneath the bed, One wearing my black lace hat And sitting on a skull’s head. It’s the teapot incident, Logic packed its bags and went. If this is supernatural— The ghosts are paying rent! [Post-Chorus — gang vocals] QUACK! QUACK! WHO DID THAT? QUACK! QUACK! GIVE MY TEAPOT BACK! QUACK! QUACK! DON’T LOOK AT ME! There’s another bloody duck Floating in my tea! [Verse 2] We investigate the hallway Like detectives dressed in black. There’s a trail of tiny feathers— “That’s impossible.” “Shush. Keep track.” Past the candles, through the kitchen, Round the portrait with the eyes, Where the painting whispers softly, “They went that way.” ... “THANKS.” “WAIT—YOU TALK?!” “No time!” Lightning flashes through the windows, Thunder rattles every frame. Something scurries through the pantry. “COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE—” Bang. Crash. Quack. Silence. “Oh no.” [Pre-Chorus] Open the door, What do we see? Twenty-seven rubber ducks Having afternoon tea. One pours the milk, One rings a bell, And one tiny duck in sunglasses says: “Welcome to hell.” [Chorus] It’s the teapot incident, Nobody knows what it meant. There are rubber ducks appearing Everywhere that I just went. One inside the biscuit tin, Three beneath the bed, One wearing my black lace hat And sitting on a skull’s head. It’s the teapot incident, Logic packed its bags and went. If this is supernatural— The ghosts are paying rent! [Verse 3 — playful bass, theatrical vocals] The vampire finally cracks a smile, The skeleton falls apart. Someone’s trying CPR— “HE DOESN’T HAVE A HEART!” A little monster steals a scone, The gargoyle wants some jam, A duck has found the gramophone And somehow started— WHAM! [Music switches into ridiculous gothic dance break] The whole room starts bouncing, The chandelier swings, Ghosts start a conga While the haunted choir sings. There’s thunder outside, There’s chaos within, And I’m dancing with a rubber duck Balanced on my chin. [Gang Chant] DUCK ON THE TABLE! DUCK ON THE CHAIR! DUCK IN THE CUPBOARD! DUCK EVERYWHERE! DUCK ON THE CEILING! “How’d it get there?” “WE DON’T KNOW!” “THAT’S NOT AN ANSWER!” [Bridge — music suddenly drops to soft piano] Later, when the room goes quiet And the madness settles down, Little yellow shapes are sleeping In a pile upon the ground. You sit beside me with the teapot, Check it carefully, then pour. “No ducks?” “No ducks.” “Fantastic.” ... Quack. We slowly look toward the door. [Build — heartbeat drum] One duck. Two ducks. Three ducks. Four. There’s something scratching At the pantry door. Five ducks. Six ducks. Seven— “RUN.” [Final Chorus — huge theatrical rock orchestra] IT’S THE TEAPOT INCIDENT! WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANT! NOW THE RUBBER DUCKS HAVE TAKEN HALF THE BLOODY RESIDENCE! They’re inside the chandeliers! They’re marching down the hall! The vampire’s leading twenty In a charge against the wall! It’s the teapot incident! Common sense is fully spent! We’ve got monsters, ghosts and mayhem— AND THE DUCKS ARE PAYING RENT! [Extended Final Chorus] So put the kettle back on, darling, Let the thunder shake the room. If the strange ones need a safe place, We can always make some room. For the lonely and peculiar, For the creatures passing through, For the monsters and the misfits— And apparently ducks too. [Gang vocals] OH-OH! LET THE OLD FLOOR SHAKE! OH-OH! HIDE THE BLOODY CAKE! OH-OH! WE’RE A PECULIAR CREW! AND THERE’S A PLACE FOR YOU! [Outro — music box returns] [Spoken] “Right. Everyone accounted for?” Quack. “Monsters?” “Yep.” “Ghosts?” “Yep.” “Skeletons?” [rattle] “Close enough.” “Rubber ducks?” ... ... A distant army of quacks echoes from upstairs. “Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.” [Door slowly creaks open] “Why is the bathroom yellow?” [Cut to silence] Quack.
