# THE GREAT BRITISH ROAST TOUR ## FESTIVAL HEADLINER EDITION **[HOUSE LIGHTS DROP]** Darkness. A kettle clicks on. **CLICK.** **BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!** Pyro erupts. **ANNOUNCER:** GOOD EVENING, YOU ABSOLUTE DISASTERS! COMMON SENSE HAS LEFT THE FESTIVAL SITE. **CROWD:** OOOOOOOOOH! **ANNOUNCER:** GOOD. WE DIDN’T NEED IT. --- # [OPENING CHANT] **LEAD:** WHEN I SAY OI— **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** OI! OI! **CROWD:** OI! OI! **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** --- # [MAIN HOOK] **ALL:** PUT THE KETTLE ON! THE WORLD’S GONE WRONG! PUT THE KETTLE ON! WE’VE LOST THE PLOT! --- ## [BRITAIN] Britain woke up raining. A pigeon stole a pasty. A fox stole a pie. A goose stole somebody’s wristband and walked through security like: “TRY ME.” **CROWD:** HONK! HONK! HONK! Someone dropped their chips. A national tragedy. --- # [FAKE FESTIVAL ANNOUNCEMENT] **ANNOUNCER:** LOST PROPERTY UPDATE: One boot. Three phones. One tent. A man called Gary. And the entire country of Belgium. If found, return Belgium to information. --- ## [INTERNATIONAL CHAOS] Canada arrives apologising. America arrives with a drink the size of a toddler. Scotland arrives with bagpipes and refuses to turn them down. Australia arrives upside down with a crocodile called Dave. France arrives immaculate. Britain arrives in a bin-bag poncho. Italy bans Gary for breaking spaghetti. **ITALIAN VOICE:** GAAAAARY! **GARY:** SORRY! --- # [CALL AND RESPONSE] **LEAD:** CANADA! **CROWD:** SORRY! **LEAD:** AMERICA! **CROWD:** BIG CUP! **LEAD:** SCOTLAND! **CROWD:** AYE! **LEAD:** AUSTRALIA! **CROWD:** RUN! **LEAD:** BELGIUM! **CROWD:** STILL MISSING! --- # [FAKE EMERGENCY BULLETIN] **SIREN** **ANNOUNCER:** PLEASE REMAIN CALM. A BAGPIPE PLAYER IS LOOSE NEAR THE MAIN STAGE. **BAGPIPES ERUPT** **CROWD:** YEEEEAAAAH! **ANNOUNCER:** OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE. --- ## [INTERNATIONAL NEWS] **NEWSREADER:** Canada is apologising. France is judging us. Germany has made a spreadsheet. Australia has lost a crocodile. Ireland has started a singalong. The goose has acquired staff access. And Belgium— **PAUSE** —is still missing. **GOOSE:** HONK. --- # [MID-SONG DROP] **LEAD:** EVERYBODY DOWN! The crowd crouches. **LEAD:** THREE! TWO! ONE! **PYRO EXPLOSION** **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! --- ## [CHAOS SPEEDRUN] Japan brought karaoke. Brazil brought drums. Sweden brought furniture nobody can assemble. Spain said dinner starts at ten. Britain said: “That’s bedtime.” New Zealand appeared. **CROWD:** HOBBITS! **NEW ZEALAND:** Please stop. **BRITAIN:** No. --- # [FINAL BUILD] **LEAD:** FRONT ROW! **CROWD:** OI! BACK ROW! **CROWD:** OI! CAMPING FIELD! **CROWD:** OI! PEOPLE QUEUING FOR THE TOILET! **CROWD:** OOOOOOOOI! --- # [FINAL CHORUS] **ALL:** PUT THE KETTLE ON! THE WORLD’S GONE WRONG! PUT THE KETTLE ON! WE’VE LOST THE PLOT! **LEAD:** ONE! **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** TWO! **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** THREE! **100,000 PEOPLE:** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** OI! OI! OI! --- # [FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT] **ANNOUNCER:** PLEASE EXIT THE FESTIVAL IN AN ORDERLY FASHION. **CROWD:** NO! **ANNOUNCER:** Of course. Take your rubbish. Find your friends. Do not adopt the goose. If anyone finds Belgium— **CROWD:** BRING IT BACK! --- # [ABSURD ENDING] Pyro launches. Bagpipes scream. The choir returns. Confetti covers the field. A giant inflatable kettle rises behind the stage. The goose appears on the big screen. Steve the moose crosses the stage. Gary runs past holding spaghetti. **ITALIAN VOICE:** GAAAAAAARY! **EVERYONE:** SORRY! **LEAD:** ONE LAST TIME! **100,000 PEOPLE:** OI! OI! OI! **BOOOOOOOOOOM!** **ALL:** PUT! THE! KETTLE! OOOOOOOOON! **BLACKOUT.** **ONE LAST HONK.**
