[Fast-talking, breathy patter. Smiling-through-the-chaos energy. Think: frantic sincerity, holiday cheer running a little too hot. Spoken asides should feel improvised, barely contained.] [Verse 1 – Patter] It’s Christmas time—okay—things are strange this year, We can’t be together, we can’t gather near, I’d hug you if the router would allow, But I’m buffering affection right now. We’re trapped inside—(not emotionally, just legally), Screens are the only way—allegedly— To share the joy of this special day, Please hold while joy loads, okay? [Spoken Aside] —Are you frozen or are you just disappointed? [Chorus – Bright / Ironic] Zoom Christmas, Zoom Christmas, We’ll still have fun, we’ll still be blessed Zoom Christmas, Zoom Christmas, Love in a tab we forgot to close— Yes! Merry— no— wait— [Verse 2 – Escalating Patter] There’s a dad on mute telling jokes to air, A cousin crying softly, nobody cares, Someone’s dog just ate the nativity, This feels symbolic—don’t look at me. We tried “Silent Night” in seven keys, Lag turned harmony into pleas, Grandma waved for a full minute straight After everyone left—too late, too late. [Spoken Aside] —She’s still waving. Someone tell her. [Chorus – Half-Sung / Half-Spoken] Zoom Christmas, Zoom Christmas, We’ll still have fun, we’ll still be blessed Zoom Christmas, Zoom Christmas, Together-ish is still our best. [Rap Verse – Tight, Breathless] Okay— Wi-Fi faith and a plastic tree, Streaming love in 720p, Peace on earth with terms applied, Click “accept” so we can try. Ugly sweaters, digital hugs, Capitalism still works, shrug. We toast through glass, we clap on cue, If this counts, then hell—we do. [Spoken Aside] —I mean, it counts. Right? It has to count. [Final Chorus – Overlapping / Patter] Zoom Christmas, Zoom Christmas, We showed up late but we showed our face, Zoom Christmas, Zoom Christmas, Grace with a loading interface. Zoom Christmas—(are you still there?) Zoom Christmas—(yeah, yeah, I’m here) [Outro – Soft, Spoken] Okay… I’m gonna end the call. Love you. No—wait— Next year for real.
