I learned to be neurotypical for you Killed the parts that made you uncomfortable Practiced my laugh in the mirror seventeen times 'Til it sounded spontaneous, natural, normal I studied your face like a textbook Memorized which jokes land and which ones don't Catalogued every social cue I missed Made flashcards for small talk I'd rather ghost I can do eye contact now Even though it burns I can small talk about the weather Even though I'd rather discuss The structural integrity of bridges But that's not what you want to hear I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL FOR YOU MIRRORED EVERYTHING YOU DO KILLED A PART OF ME TO MAKE IT THROUGH I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL WORE YOUR BRAIN LIKE A DISGUISE BURIED MINE BENEATH THE LIES I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL FOR YOU I don't stim in public anymore Learned to sit still even when my skin crawls I nod along to conversations Where everyone's performing and no one's saying anything at all I laugh at jokes I don't find funny Pretend I care about celebrities I've mastered the art of seeming interested When inside I'm screaming silently I can shake hands without flinching Make phone calls without scripts I can go to parties and perform This character I invented To make you comfortable While I die inside I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL FOR YOU REHEARSED MY PERSONALITY TOO SHAPED MYSELF INTO SOMETHING YOU COULD USE I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL STUDIED HUMAN LIKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE FAKED FLUENCY TO MANAGE I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL FOR YOU But here's the thing you never noticed— While I was learning to be you I forgot how to be me I don't remember what I liked Before I liked what you liked I don't know what I think Before I think what you'd approve of I don't know who I am When I'm not performing For your comfort And the worst part? I got so good at it You think this is just who I am You have no idea How much effort this takes You have no idea What I killed to make you comfortable I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL FOR YOU AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S TRUE IS ANY OF THIS ME OR JUST MY COSTUME? FAKE THE EYE CONTACT FAKE THE SMILE FAKE THE INTEREST ALL THE WHILE DYING INSIDE SCREAMING SILENT MURDERING MYSELF TO STOP YOUR VIOLENCE NOT PHYSICAL VIOLENCE JUST THE VIOLENCE OF "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?" "CAN'T YOU JUST BE NORMAL?" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" SO I LEARNED TO BE NORMAL I LEARNED TO BE YOU AND I LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE PROCESS I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL BUT I'M DONE PERFORMING NOW I LEARNED TO BE NEUROTYPICAL BUT I'M TAKING OFF THE CROWN I learned your language I wore your brain I killed my authentic self To ease your pain But I'm tired now I'm so fucking tired Of being the version of me That you required So here's your neurotypical! [spoken: "Am I doing it right?"] Here's your normal! [spoken: "Is this what you wanted?"] Here's your comfortable! [spoken: "Are you happy now?"] "I'm not."
