[Intro – gothic pipe organ, thunder rumble, tolling funeral bell] (whispered) Ladies and gentlemen... tonight... I die. (whispered) ...Or do I? [Verse 1 – slow creepy waltz, harpsichord] I ate the whole box of those brandy-filled sweets, Then I toppled face-up in a heap on the sheets, Now I'm stiff as a board, I can't wiggle or blink, And they think I'm deceased... oh, that's not what I think! [Pre-Chorus – tremolo violins rising] The organ is wheezing, the candles are lit, My mother is sobbing, my uncle's thrown a fit, [Chorus – big Broadway belt, choir and gang vocals] I'm not dead! (He is dead!) I'm not dead! (Rest in peace!) I'm just frozen in place and the sobbing won't cease! I can hear every word, every sniffle and sigh, So somebody check my pulse before you say goodbye! [Verse 2 – tuba oompah creeping in] Mama's weeping so loudly the chandeliers shake, Auntie fainted face-first in my funeral cake, Then Cousin Dwayne sidles up, jingling my car keys: "He'd have wanted me driving it... pretty please?" [Verse 3 – sneaky pizzicato, whispered] Then my best friend Kevin, with a sniffle so sweet, Wipes his eyes on his sleeve and he whispers, discreet: "Does anyone know, and I'm only asking for me, Who's getting the console? 'Cause dibs, guys. Dibs. Me." [Bridge – frantic vaudeville patter, tempo doubles] The cousins start squabbling: the couch! The TV! The watch! The guitar! And the good cutlery! Dwayne wants the Civic, Trixie wants the ring, Kevin's unplugging absolutely everything! And I'm screaming inside with no sound coming out: "I'm not even cold yet! Put my stuff back down!" [Breakdown – hushed, timpani roll, spooky celesta] (whispered) But wait... what's that... (whispered) ...a patter of paws... [Verse 4 – slow, suspenseful] Biscuit, my beagle, the best boy in town, Trots up to the casket without making a sound. He sniffs at my nose and he sniffs at my chin, Then he howls like a wolf and he leaps right on in! He licks my whole face in a slobbery storm, And I sneeze, and I twitch, and I'm suddenly warm! [Final Chorus – full orchestra, triumphant, choir] I'M NOT DEAD! (He's not dead!) I'M NOT DEAD! (Dear Lord!) Thank the dog! Thank the dog! Give that beagle a reward! Mama's screaming, Dwayne's fainting, the organ's gone wild, And Kevin is standing there holding my... console. Smile! [Outro – spoken, deadpan, organ sting] (spoken) Dwayne. My keys. (spoken) Kevin. My console. (spoken) Biscuit... you get the steak. (spoken) And somebody throw out the rest of those chocolates. Away from the dog!
