[Intro] (Safe as fuck, mate) (You what? Put that away!) Yeah, right then, listen in I woke up this morning and things were a bit... directional Know what I mean? Proper mental. [Verse 1] Woke up at six thirty on a Tuesday morning Didn't even get a polite little warning Pulled back the duvet and I nearly hit the floor My crown jewels were kicking down the bedroom door Not the whole set, just the main event With a tiny gold chain and a look of intent He looked me in the eye—well, you know what I mean The rudest little bastard that I’ve ever seen He’s wearing a tracksuit, size zero-point-five Suddenly I’m wondering if I’ll stay alive He says "Listen here, you pathetic little prick I’m the captain now, and I’m making it stick!" [Pre-Chorus] (He’s got a foul mouth) (He’s got a bad vibe) (He’s ruining the rhythm of the whole tribe) He told my boss that he’s a massive knob Now I’m standing in the queue for the blooming job! [Chorus] My penis has a personhood and he’s a total git He’s sabotaging everything, he doesn't give a shit He’s got a tiny flat cap and a mouth like a drain He’s a sentient disaster driving me insane! (He’s a proper bellend!) (A literal bellend!) (Yeah, he’s taking over, mate!) [Verse 2] I went on a date with a girl named Sue She was lovely, intelligent, and liked a brew We’re mid-way through the starters, having a laugh When my trousers start screaming like a mental giraffe He shouts out "She’s boring! Let’s go to the pub! I want a pickled egg and some greasy grub!" He starts doing lunges under the table cloth Sue looks at me like I’m covered in moth He calls her a "clart" and he ruins the mood Then he demands that I buy him some expensive food I tried to apologize, I tried to explain But he poked his head out and started to complain! [Pre-Chorus] (He’s got a foul mouth) (He’s got a bad vibe) (He’s ruining the rhythm of the whole tribe) I had a promotion, a path to the top But he told the CEO to go and kick rocks! [Chorus] My penis has a personhood and he’s a total git He’s sabotaging everything, he doesn't give a shit He’s got a tiny flat cap and a mouth like a drain He’s a sentient disaster driving me insane! (He’s a proper bellend!) (A literal bellend!) [Bridge] [Beat Drop] (Check the bass, check the folk, check the tiny little bloke) (Wobble it!) (Mandolin solo, let’s go!) [Mandolin Solo with Heavy Future Bass Side-chaining] (Yeah, Newport represent!) He’s demanding a LinkedIn profile of his own He’s blocked every bird on my bloody phone He wants ten percent of my gross salary To spend on miniature kits for the gallery! [Verse 3] I’m locked in the bathroom, I’m having a cry He’s doing a crossword and drinking my rye He says "Don't be sad, you’re just the transport, son I’m the brains of the outfit, and we’ve just begun!" He wants to run for parliament, he wants to be Mayor He’s got a better haircut and a lot more flair I’m just a meat-suit, a vessel, a ghost While my member is busy being the host! [Chorus] My penis has a personhood and he’s a total git He’s sabotaging everything, he doesn't give a shit He’s got a tiny flat cap and a mouth like a drain He’s a sentient disaster driving me insane! [Outro] (He’s making me buy him a tiny mountain bike) (I can't even go for a walk if he doesn't like) (I’m finished, mate) (Proper finished) (Shut up! I’m trying to finish the song!) (You shut up!) (Oh, for God's sake...) [Fade Out] [End]
