The Management Solution

Half Diminished

musical theatre, operetta, music hall

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V6-WILD

[Jaunty piano]

[MANAGER]
Good morning, bee-mek!

[STAFF]
Oh no.

[MANAGER]
We're here from the Trust!

[STAFF]
We know.

[HR]
We've come to hear your problems.

[DOCTOR]
Casualty needs more staff.

[MANAGER]
Wonderful!
We've already found
A management solution!

[ALL MANAGERS]
A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION!
A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION!
Whatever the problem,
Whatever confusion,
We always can offer
A management solution!

[NURSE]
More nurses?

[MANAGER]
No.

[DOCTOR]
Doctors?

[MANAGER]
No.

[STAFF]
What then?

[MANAGER]
New chairs!

[Orchestral flourish]

Ergonomically designed,
In corporate blue!

[DOCTOR]
We've already got chairs.

[MANAGER]
But these ones are new!

[HR]
And every staff member
Will shortly receive
A wellbeing water bottle—

[NURSE]
I don't believe—

[MANAGER]
Recyclable!

[HR]
Sustainable!

[MANAGER]
Branded on both sides!

[DOCTOR]
Casualty's got patients
Waiting over four hours.

[MANAGER]
We've purchased some signs.

[STAFF]
SIGNS?

[MANAGER]
“Thank you for your patience.”

[STAFF]
AAAAARGH!

[CHORUS]
A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION!
A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION!
Spend money on anything
But staff recruitment!

A poster!
A leaflet!
A lanyard!
A screen!

[HR]
And mandatory training
On keeping your workplace serene!

[NURSE]
When?

[HR]
Lunchtime.

[NURSE]
I don't get lunch.

[HR]
Non-compliance.

[Snare hit]

[MANAGER TWO]
We've commissioned consultants—

[DOCTOR]
Ophthalmologists?

[MANAGER TWO]
Good heavens, no.

Management consultants.

[STAFF]
Of course.

[MANAGER TWO]
They've produced a report.

[DOCTOR]
What does it say?

[MANAGER TWO]
You need...

[Grand pause]

More capacity.

[STAFF]
WE TOLD YOU THAT!

[Fast patter]

[MANAGERS]
We've bought twelve tablets,
Six interactive displays,
A patient-flow system
That worked for three days!

A sculpture for reception—

[STAFF]
Why?

[MANAGER]
Patient delight!

[DOCTOR]
Can the sculpture see patients?

[MANAGER]
Not as such.

[DOCTOR]
Then it's useless.

[MANAGER]
That's rather negative.

[HR]
We'll need to discuss
Your behaviour.

[Music accelerates]

[NURSES]
We need people!

[MANAGERS]
We need metrics!

[DOCTORS]
We need doctors!

[MANAGERS]
We need dashboards!

[STAFF]
WE NEED STAFF!

[HR]
Have you completed
The workforce engagement survey?

[STAFF]
NO!

[MANAGER]
Now Casualty waits—
We've considered this carefully—
Could perhaps be reduced
Quite substantially...

[Everyone listens]

If patients
Didn't come.

[Silence]

[DOCTOR]
Brilliant.

[MANAGER]
Thank you.

[Final accelerating counterpoint]

[MANAGERS]
Transformation!
Consultation!
Optimisation!
Integration!

[STAFF]
Recruitment!
Recruitment!
Recruitment!
Recruitment!

[HR]
Engagement!

[STAFF]
RECRUITMENT!

[MANAGER]
Dashboard!

[STAFF]
RECRUITMENT!

[MANAGER]
Strategy!

[STAFF]
RECRUITMENT!

[MANAGER]
Another meeting?

[STAFF]
NO!

[Huge chorus]

[ALL MANAGERS]
WE HAVE A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION!

[DOCTOR]
Does it involve employing somebody?

[Music stops]

[MANAGER]
No.

[STAFF]
Thought not.

[MANAGER]
Right.
Excellent meeting, everyone.

We'll circulate the slides.

[Door closes]

[Long pause]

[NURSE]
Who's seeing the next patient?

[ALL STAFF]
WE ARE!

[Huge final chord]

3124/7500

[Jaunty piano] [MANAGER] Good morning, bee-mek! [STAFF] Oh no. [MANAGER] We're here from the Trust! [STAFF] We know. [HR] We've come to hear your problems. [DOCTOR] Casualty needs more staff. [MANAGER] Wonderful! We've already found A management solution! [ALL MANAGERS] A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION! A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION! Whatever the problem, Whatever confusion, We always can offer A management solution! [NURSE] More nurses? [MANAGER] No. [DOCTOR] Doctors? [MANAGER] No. [STAFF] What then? [MANAGER] New chairs! [Orchestral flourish] Ergonomically designed, In corporate blue! [DOCTOR] We've already got chairs. [MANAGER] But these ones are new! [HR] And every staff member Will shortly receive A wellbeing water bottle— [NURSE] I don't believe— [MANAGER] Recyclable! [HR] Sustainable! [MANAGER] Branded on both sides! [DOCTOR] Casualty's got patients Waiting over four hours. [MANAGER] We've purchased some signs. [STAFF] SIGNS? [MANAGER] “Thank you for your patience.” [STAFF] AAAAARGH! [CHORUS] A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION! A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION! Spend money on anything But staff recruitment! A poster! A leaflet! A lanyard! A screen! [HR] And mandatory training On keeping your workplace serene! [NURSE] When? [HR] Lunchtime. [NURSE] I don't get lunch. [HR] Non-compliance. [Snare hit] [MANAGER TWO] We've commissioned consultants— [DOCTOR] Ophthalmologists? [MANAGER TWO] Good heavens, no. Management consultants. [STAFF] Of course. [MANAGER TWO] They've produced a report. [DOCTOR] What does it say? [MANAGER TWO] You need... [Grand pause] More capacity. [STAFF] WE TOLD YOU THAT! [Fast patter] [MANAGERS] We've bought twelve tablets, Six interactive displays, A patient-flow system That worked for three days! A sculpture for reception— [STAFF] Why? [MANAGER] Patient delight! [DOCTOR] Can the sculpture see patients? [MANAGER] Not as such. [DOCTOR] Then it's useless. [MANAGER] That's rather negative. [HR] We'll need to discuss Your behaviour. [Music accelerates] [NURSES] We need people! [MANAGERS] We need metrics! [DOCTORS] We need doctors! [MANAGERS] We need dashboards! [STAFF] WE NEED STAFF! [HR] Have you completed The workforce engagement survey? [STAFF] NO! [MANAGER] Now Casualty waits— We've considered this carefully— Could perhaps be reduced Quite substantially... [Everyone listens] If patients Didn't come. [Silence] [DOCTOR] Brilliant. [MANAGER] Thank you. [Final accelerating counterpoint] [MANAGERS] Transformation! Consultation! Optimisation! Integration! [STAFF] Recruitment! Recruitment! Recruitment! Recruitment! [HR] Engagement! [STAFF] RECRUITMENT! [MANAGER] Dashboard! [STAFF] RECRUITMENT! [MANAGER] Strategy! [STAFF] RECRUITMENT! [MANAGER] Another meeting? [STAFF] NO! [Huge chorus] [ALL MANAGERS] WE HAVE A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION! [DOCTOR] Does it involve employing somebody? [Music stops] [MANAGER] No. [STAFF] Thought not. [MANAGER] Right. Excellent meeting, everyone. We'll circulate the slides. [Door closes] [Long pause] [NURSE] Who's seeing the next patient? [ALL STAFF] WE ARE! [Huge final chord]

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