[Spoken Intro] Step right up, grown-ups—put the good sense away. The punch bowl’s mostly punch. Probably. Who can say? [Verse 1] Uncle Clive brought a cake with a knife in the top, Auntie’s ex is in the freezer—he just wouldn’t stop. The host wears a grin and a stain on his vest, Says, “We’re serving house specials; the guests are the best.” The doorbell keeps ringing, the hallway smells weird, Somebody yelled “surprise” and the neighbors disappeared. You came for cheap cocktails and a questionable date, Now the coat-check attendant says your ride’s running late. [Pre-Chorus] Black tie, bad choice, champagne gone flat, There’s a foot in the punch—don’t ask about that. Count it down, you beautiful mess, Three, two, one—who’s cleaning this? Yes. [Chorus] Raise that glass! (Hey!) Hide that toe! (Hey!) This grown-up house party’s gone off the road! Raise that glass! (Hey!) Lock that door! (Hey!) The host says “relax”—then he asks for more! Bad decisions, black humor, one hell of a night, We laugh at the mess ’cause the mess bites back! Raise that glass! (Hey!) Don’t look down! Last call—who brought the clown? [Verse 2] The DJ’s a ghoul with a taste for bad disco, The bartender’s pouring something labeled “brisket.” My date says, “I’m leaving,” then slips on a glove, That may be a hand—or a gift from above. The bathroom’s occupied by a guy named Len, He went in at nine and came out as “again.” I found my own jacket beneath a tarp in the den, And a note saying, “Thanks, we’ll be needing this when…” [Bridge] Who’s that? (Uncle Clive!) Who’s that? (That’s not his coat!) Who’s that? (The caterer!) Why’s he carrying a boat? One more drink, one more lie, Smile for the camera—try not to ask why. [Final Chorus] Raise that glass! (Hey!) Hide that toe! (Hey!) This grown-up house party’s gone off the road! Raise that glass! (Hey!) Lock that door! (Hey!) The host says “relax”—then he asks for more! Bad decisions, black humor, one hell of a night, We laugh at the mess ’cause the mess bites back! Raise that glass! (Hey!) Don’t look down! Last call—who brought the clown? [Outro] Thanks for coming. Keep the coat. Don’t open the trunk.
