Four in the morning, jaw sore, pacing the laminate Draft says I'm sorry, backspace, can't send half of it Sister said call me, I watched that notification sit Then told myself she got kids, she don't need my shit That's how I package it, rationalize disappearing Make everybody's concern sound like interference Whole week wearing the same black shirt, same jeans Still tell my mother I'm eating, still ask how she's been Sink full of takeout forks, landlord email unread I sleep twelve hours, wake exhausted, crawl back in bed Bank hit negative forty, I laughed when I saw it Like numbers getting worse somehow make 'em less of a problem I know that's stupid, I know how pathetic it sounds I know people would come if I said I was going down That's the part that scares me more than whatever I'm in Somebody seeing the mess and deciding to stay till it ends If I say I'm fine, don't believe me tonight If I say I'm good, I'm just buying some time I don't need saving, need somewhere to speak Without watching your face when you finally see me Gotten too good making hurt my routine So if I say I'm fine, you know what I mean Therapist called twice, I ghosted both appointments Couldn't explain why getting better felt disappointing Maybe I built this whole version of me around damage Now healing feels like losing the only thing I can manage That's embarrassing, say it aloud, sounds insane But pain gets familiar when it answers to your name I know which ceiling stain I stare at when panic gets bad Know exactly what joke gets my brother to stop asking He says you been weird, I say work, he says bullshit I say you know me, he says yeah, that's why I'm calling it That shut me up, 'cause what do you say after that When somebody knows your exits and still blocks the path I hate being cared for when I haven't earned the concern Hate every soft question that makes my whole stomach turn Not because I don't love 'em, I love 'em enough to retreat Like if I disappear first, they can't watch me get weak If I say I'm fine, don't believe me tonight If I say I'm good, I'm just buying some time I don't need saving, need somewhere to speak Without watching your face when you finally see me Gotten too good making hurt my routine So if I say I'm fine, you know what I mean Sister texts you awake? I type yeah, then wait Delete I'm sorry Type can you talk?
