Goodnight, boys. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Seriously, don't. Because if you wake up, you’ll come find us. And we can't do this anymore. We read the books, we rubbed the backs We filled you up with midnight snacks We checked the closet for the ghoulies We swore to you there were no bullies Now close your eyes and drift away To the magical land of the coming day... Stay there. Because it’s been nine years! Nine long years of knees in my spine! Nine long years of "this bed is mine!" You are lovely children, you are gifts from above But I am suffocating in your aggressive love! Mommy wants to stretch, Daddy wants to dream Without waking up to a nocturnal scream! Get out! (Get out!) Get out of the bed! Go sleep on the floor or in the tub instead! I wake up at midnight and what do I see? Two little silhouettes staring at me Like children of the corn, standing in the dark Waiting to make an invasive remark "I had a bad dream," or "I need a drink" I don't care, son, use the bathroom sink! You are nearly five feet tall, you are practically a man Get out of the dog blanket dammit, stick to the plan! We used to have pillows, we used to have space! Now I wake up with a heel in my face! We used to have intimacy, we used to have fun! Now we are sleeping four-to-a-one! My back is a question mark, my neck is a wreck! There is a jagged toenail digging in my neck! I just want to be unconscious! I just want to be unconscious alone! Because it’s been nine years! Nine long years of horizontal fight Nine long years of "can I leave on the light?" You are lovely children, you are gifts from the Lord But frankly, your parents are out of their gourd! With the kicking and the tossing and the stealing of sheets Get back to your room, you adorable cheats! Get out! (Get out!) Get out of the bed! Goodnight, boys. I love you. Lock the door, honey.
