The Goose With the Knife

[Intro – live tavern noise] [SFX: crowd clapping, mugs clinking, fiddle tuning] FATTYFOOT: Alright, this one’s a warning. PIP: A public service. FATTYFOOT: If you see a white goose in a dark alley PIP: And it has a knife BOTH: Run. [SFX: goose honk, tiny blade shing] [Verse 1 – fast Celtic punk] FATTYFOOT: Down by the stable, past the brewer’s light, There’s a feathered little devil with a blade held tight. Orange feet tapping on the cobblestone, He’ll take your bread and your dignity home. PIP: He don’t hiss like a normal bird, He makes eye contact. That’s disturbed. Neck like a question, eyes like crime, Honk once, slash twice, tax time. [SFX: HONK HONK] [Pre-Chorus] BOTH: Don’t laugh, don’t blink, Don’t offer him a drink. If he waddles up slow, That’s your cue to go! [Chorus – big tavern gang vocals] BOTH: It’s the goose with the knife! Run for your life! Flap flap, stab stab, There goes your wife! CROWD: HEY! BOTH: The goose with the knife! He’s small but rife With terrible plans And a criminal life! PIP: Tiny little menace! FATTYFOOT: Feathered little fiend! BOTH: Meanest little bastard that the town has ever seen! [SFX: goose honk, crowd cheer] [Verse 2 – storytelling] PIP: He robbed three knights by the blacksmith’s gate, Took their purse and their dinner plate. One paladin said, “Stand down, bird.” That was the last calm thing we heard. FATTYFOOT: He chased a wizard through the square, Cut one rune right out his hair. Mayor said, “Shoo,” with a broom in hand, Now the goose owns half that land. PIP: There’s a wanted sign down by the well. No reward, just “please don’t tell.” Sketch was bad but the warning’s right: “Armed with beak and appetite.” [Pre-Chorus] BOTH: Don’t crouch, don’t plead, Don’t show him birdseed. If he tilts his head low, That means “give me dough.” [Chorus] BOTH: It’s the goose with the knife! Run for your life! Flap flap, stab stab, There goes your wife! CROWD: HEY! BOTH: The goose with the knife! He’s small but rife With terrible plans And a criminal life! FATTYFOOT: He’ll take your sandwich! PIP: He’ll take your pride! BOTH: He’ll take your left boot and he’ll make you thank him twice! [SFX: knife shing, frantic honk] [Spoken Break – sudden quiet] FATTYFOOT: Pip. PIP: Yes. FATTYFOOT: He’s here. [SFX: single goose honk, tavern gasps] PIP: Everybody stay calm. Nobody make eye contact. Nobody say “nice goose.” DRUNK PATRON: Nice goose! [SFX: chaos, chair scrape, tiny blade shing] FATTYFOOT: Oh, he’s chosen violence. PIP: To be fair, he woke up that way. [Bridge – fast chant] BOTH: Feathers white, heart black, Little knife, big attack. Bread thief, shin peck, Who gave him that blade? CROWD: WHO GAVE HIM THAT BLADE? PIP: Not me! FATTYFOOT: She says “not me,” which means probably. PIP: Allegedly! [Verse 3 – respect verse] FATTYFOOT: Now we’ve seen rogues with lighter hands, Pirates from a dozen lands, Dwarven bankers, goblin crews, Tax collectors wearing shoes. PIP: But that goose has craft and style. He’ll rob you clean and honk awhile. No wasted motion, no remorse, Just poultry crime with focused force. FATTYFOOT: I said, “Pip, we should stop that bird.” PIP: I said, “No, Fatty, that’s absurd. You don’t defeat a force like that. You give him space and tip your hat.” [Pre-Chorus – building] BOTH: Step back, stand clear, Hide your snacks and beer. If he waddles through town, Just put the bread down! [Final Chorus – bigger, faster] BOTH: It’s the goose with the knife! Run for your life! Flap flap, stab stab, There goes your wife! CROWD: HEY! BOTH: The goose with the knife! He’s small but rife With terrible plans And a criminal life! PIP: Tiny little terror! FATTYFOOT: Honking in the night! BOTH: We don’t want to fight him, But we respect his right! [Outro – live] [SFX: goose honk, crowd clapping in rhythm] FATTYFOOT: He’s stealing the tip jar. PIP: Let him. FATTYFOOT: He’s taking your guitar. PIP: Let him. FATTYFOOT: He’s coming back. PIP: Everybody down. [SFX: HONK, tiny knife shing, final chord]