WHAT THEY CALL US [Intro — sterile electronic hum, mechanical click] [Voice 1 — emotionless, reading] Citizen. Resident. Taxpayer. Voter. Constituent. Applicant. Dependent. Beneficiary. Recipient. Claimant. Case number. [Voice 2 — conversational] That’s a lot of names. [Voice 1] We’re just getting started. [Dry beat enters] Consumer. Customer. Client. Subscriber. Account holder. Cardholder. Policyholder. Stakeholder. End user. Active user. Monthly active user. Daily active user. [Voice 2] Do they ever just call us people? [Voice 1] Haven’t found that category yet. [Beat tightens; Voice 1 accelerates] Demographic. Target demographic. Target audience. Market segment. Buyer persona. Qualified lead. Sales prospect. Conversion opportunity. Revenue stream. Recurring revenue. Customer lifetime value. Cost per acquisition. Churn risk. Retention target. Upsell opportunity. Cross-sell opportunity. [Voice 2] Wait. Are we selling something? [Voice 1] Apparently ourselves. [Fast rhythmic delivery] Impression. Click. View. Engagement. Conversion. Traffic. Data point. Data subject. Data asset. Behavioral profile. Psychographic profile. Advertising identifier. Digital fingerprint. Location signal. Purchase history. Propensity score. Monetizable attention. [Voice 2] Can I at least get a commission? [Voice 1] No. You’re the product. [Low bass enters] Employee. Contractor. Labor unit. Headcount. Human capital. Human resources. Workforce. Full-time equivalent. Productivity metric. Cost center. Payroll expense. Operational overhead. Redundancy. Surplus labor. Displaced worker. Essential worker. Expendable worker. [Voice 2] Essential AND expendable? [Voice 1] Depends on the quarterly report. [Beat grows heavier] Patient. Member. Covered life. Risk pool. Risk category. High utilizer. Frequent flyer. Preexisting condition. Chronic case. Medical necessity review. Prior authorization. Denied claim. Billable encounter. Reimbursement unit. Length of stay. Mortality statistic. [Voice 2] Mortality statistic? [Voice 1] Don’t worry. That’s the last thing they’ll call you. [Brief silence] [Voice 2] That’s comforting. [Beat returns; faster] Borrower. Debtor. Credit file. Credit score. Delinquent account. Default probability. Collection target. Recoverable balance. Subprime borrower. Underbanked. Financially vulnerable. High-risk customer. Low-value customer. Profitable customer. Unprofitable customer. [Voice 2] Which one am I? [Voice 1] Depends how much money you’ve got. [Percussion accelerates] Population. Population density. Population cohort. Census tract. Household unit. Statistical sample. Survey respondent. Caseload. Eligible population. Ineligible population. Compliance subject. Enforcement target. Correctional population. Inmate number. Security risk. Threat assessment. Collateral damage. Civilian casualty. [Voice 2] Are we done yet? [Voice 1 — gasping] I don’t think so. [Voice 2] Why’d you stop? [Voice 1] I didn’t stop. I was catching my breath! [Beat returns immediately — rapid-fire delivery] Human capital! Human inventory! Human throughput! Human consumption! Human behavior! Human prediction! Human optimization! A number! A file! A profile! A purchase! A payment! A premium! A percentage! A probability! A liability! A commodity! A market! A metric! A margin! A unit! A cost! A risk! A resource! A statistic! [Everything cuts out] [Voice 2] You missed one. [Voice 1 — exhausted] What? [Voice 2] Human being. [Long silence] [Voice 1 — quietly] Me? Meat? Water bag? Food? [Voice 2] Well, that escalated. [Voice 1] Human? [Final mechanical click — complete ending]
