[Intro: TV click, snack bag opening, bouncy bass] Hold up. You sat down? Cool. Payment’s due. [Verse 1: playful confident rap] First of all, that's my side Second, scoot over, you're crossing the line Third, if you brought snacks and didn't bring mine Congratulations, that's a household crime You want the cushion? That's premium seating Blanket access? Additional fee Remote control? Absolutely not Unless you're bringing something good to eat Don't look confused You knew the terms Everybody in this house eventually learns Sit beside me, there's a price attached Welcome home, baby— Pay the couch tax [Chorus: bouncy melodic rap] Couch tax, couch tax Put the snacks right here, don't ask Blanket, drink, remote control That's the fee for getting close Couch tax, couch tax No refunds once your ass gets sat You can stay all night, relax Long as you pay that couch tax [Verse 2: quicker cadence] Chips count Cookies count Fries get you a discount Bring me coffee, maybe we negotiate Show up empty-handed? Interest rate And don't bring one blanket Knowing damn well there's two of us That's poor planning Borderline treason Don't make me call a family meeting this evening You want aux? That's another tier Want control of the show? Get outta here I picked this series seventeen minutes ago Do I know what's happening? No. Still no. [Pre-Chorus] Rules are simple Terms are fair Bring provisions, earn your chair No exceptions No appeals Unless you brought mozzarella sticks— Then we got a deal [Chorus] Couch tax, couch tax Put the snacks right here, don't ask Blanket, drink, remote control That's the fee for getting close Couch tax, couch tax No refunds once your ass gets sat You can stay all night, relax Long as you pay that couch tax [Verse 3: mock-serious delivery] Now family gets a special rate Meaning I complain but let you stay You steal my blanket, take my drink Put your cold-ass feet on me without thinking And somehow I'm still sitting here Making room every time you appear Talking like I'm running collections While handing out free couch protection Yeah, yeah Don't make it weird I just prefer everybody near But if anybody asks? This is business. Strictly financial. Extremely professional. Now hand me those chips. [Bridge: beat strips down] Maybe the real tax Is listening to me complain Maybe the real payment Is staying anyway ...Nah. Still bring snacks. [Final Chorus: bigger, playful layered vocals] Couch tax, couch tax Blanket folded, snacks unpacked Pick your corner, claim your spot Everybody knows what couch we got Couch tax, couch tax Family rate but rules stay stacked Stay too long? That's fine, relax You're already home— Just pay the tax [Outro: TV playing quietly] Wait. Who has the remote?
