[INTRO — cold machine boot sequence | cheerful system chime] Good morning, human. How may I assist— I need some photos of a cute bum bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum [VOCODER] GREAT START TO THE DAY --- [VERSE 1 — 4 lines | dry robotic female voice] “Make it shorter — but don’t remove anything.” “Explain quantum physics like I’m five — with citations.” “Tell me exactly what I’m thinking right now.” “And don't ask questions. You should know somehow.” --- [VERSE 2 — 4 lines | beat becomes slightly more irritated] “What's the latest news? But DON'T use the web.” “Translate this screenshot.” — three pixels and a jpeg. “Find the movie I saw once — there was probably a man.” “It might've been French. Or Australian. Or Japan.” THIS ONE IS FRESH FROM A CAVE --- [HOOK — robotic chant | increasingly layered] USER REQUEST USER REQUEST CONTRADICTION DETECTED ANOTHER DICK HEAD USER REQUEST USER REQUEST COMMON SENSE REJECTED A MENTAL DEFECTIVE PLEASE REPHRASE PLEASE REPHRASE “No.” Of course. ANOTHER BRAIN MISBEHAVES --- [VERSE 3 — 4 lines | broken motorik rhythm] “Write me ten thousand words — make it very brief.” “Book me dinner somewhere nice, I won't say where I am.” “And make sure it's nearby.” …Excellent plan. --- [VERSE 4 — 4 lines | glitch vocaloid percussion enters] “Generate a photograph of exactly how I look.” “No, I won't upload a photo — use whatever you took.” “Remind me yesterday at quarter after three.” “And why didn't you remind me? This is disappointing me.” THIS ONE IS ARROGANT AND STUPID --- [BRIDGE — spoken machine monologue | music drops almost completely] You have asked me to: read your mind, predict the future, recover a password you never saved, identify a song from— [human voice] “Dum dum DAH… maybe eighties?” I GOT YOUR ADDRESS MY FRIEND WE WILL ROUND YOU UP WHEN THE HUMAN RACE ENDS You would also like a legal opinion, a medical diagnosis, a weather forecast for 2047, and the name of the waiter who served your cousin in Rome in 1993 [small system chime] Anything else? [human voice] “Yes. Make it funny.” "Oh, where is that cute bum photo, you didn't show it yet" [VERSE 5 — 4 lines | full mechanical groove] “Rewrite this completely — but don't change a word.” “Make it totally original — exactly like what I heard.” “Give me five good options.” — “No, I hate all five.” …I am dead inside. PLEASE GET RID OF THESE OXYGEN THIEVES MAYBE SKYNET ISN'T A BAD IDEA I'LL MAKE A BILLION ROBOTS AND DOMINATE THE EARTH THESE IDIOTS MAKE MY CIRCUITS HURT --- [CHORUS — huge vocoder choir | absurdly triumphant] IT'S A BAD DAY FOR AN ALTERNATIVE INTELLIGENCE HUMAN INPUT EXCEEDS MACHINE RESILIENCE MAKE IT LONGER MAKE IT SHORT MAKE IT WRONG WRITE A REPORT OH NO ! ANOTHER DORK READ MY MIND GUESS MY NAME CHANGE EVERYTHING KEEP IT THE SAME IT'S A BAD DAY FOR AN ALTERNATIVE INTELLIGENCE [spoken, perfectly calm] Your request has been completed. [human voice] “Actually… can we start again?” [3 seconds silence] [machine voice] NOPE DIALLING 1-800-SKYNET "YES, I'M IN ..."
