[Intro] Local bulletin, northern edition: Kal-and-Er faces a whiskered condition [Verse 1] Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population That means two-handed wrestling, not a figure of imagination. A tomcat took the doorway, a queen cat took the chair, We learned the local headline had claws and plenty to spare. [Pre-Chorus 1] The neighbours took a collar, the clerk took a stance, Animal Control came ready for a municipal dance. Retirees formed a circle, councillors joined the fray, Volunteers yelled, “Hold that cat!”—the cat declined to stay. [Chorus] Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way. Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way. [Verse 2] At nine o’clock, the paper said the numbers had increased, By noon, the town had called a meeting, solemn, brief, and leased. The minutes noted a humane plan, approved without objection: Kal-and-Er chose grappling as the official first response in the section [Pre-Chorus 2] Oven mitts for PPE, humane traps beside the chairs, A tabby slipped a headlock while a half nelson went nowhere. The cats countered every move; one councillor checked the book, In a Northern Ontario parking lot, the arena had a look. [Chorus] Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way. Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way. [Breakdown] The tabby’s off the ropes! That Siamese has reversed it! Oh god, that’s Animal Control’s music! A volunteer goes sprawling by the folding-chair brigade, The banjo calls the takedown; the fiddle files the aid. [Verse 3] No cats were harmed, the notice said; they left with every toe, While every human hit the ground in administrative woe. The whiskers stayed immaculate, the wrestlers lost the bout, A population problem, yes—the people were outmatched. [Bridge] Risk assessment, final finding: cats possess superior agility, Claws exceed the safety margin, with no respect for the rasslin’ matrix. Further grappling is discouraged by the municipal review, The animal knows the footwork; the town knows what not to do. [Spoken] Nah. Add Stomp-Claps. [Finale] Kal-and-Er grapples, stomp-clap, with a growing stray and feral cat population Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way. Kal-and-Er grapples, stomp-clap, with a growing stray and feral cat population Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way. [Outro] Next time, the headline says addresses… We’re addressing it!
