[Intro] [Elegant, slightly out-of-tune piano waltz. A light woodwind flourish.] [Verse 1] I haven't seen a human since Saturday night The walls are all staring, the carpet is tight I’ve exhausted my Netflix, I’ve cleaned every shelf I’m tired of hearing the sound of myself So I turn to the corner, to the shelf by the door Where Gary is shedding his leaves on the floor. [Chorus] [Swaying, orchestral rhythm] Oh, Gary the Fern, you’re a wonderful friend On your silent judgment, I truly depend I tell you my secrets, I tell you my fears While you haven't grown in at least seven years! We sit in the silence, we stare at the wall You’re the best listener... who doesn't talk at all. [Verse 2] I asked you for input on my latest career move You just dropped a branch as if to disprove I told you I’m lonely, you looked a bit dry I gave you some water, I started to cry! It’s a beautiful friendship, no pressure, no fuss Just one man, one plant, and the two of us! [Bridge] [Music becomes slightly more dramatic/grandiose] Are you judging my pajamas? Are you mocking my tea? Are you thinking, "He’s crazier than a botanical pea"? [Tempo slows] At least you don't text back with "K" or "Lol" You’re the only one left in this empty hotel... [Outro] [Soft, twinkling piano] Oh, Gary the Fern, let’s dance through the gloom The king and the foliage of this living room. (Spoken: You’re looking a bit brown on the edges, Gary. Join the club.) [Final soft violin note] [End]
