Alan on the phone to Lynn: Hello, Lynn. I’m at Dan’s big house. Can you come with the kitchen brochures? So that’s, Smeg, Neff, Poggenpohl and Bosch! Dan: Come on in, come on in. Alan: Dan, can we still talk about kitchens? Dan: I speak no other language. Get you a drink? Alan: Yeah, nice big fat shot of Director’s bitter. Ceri: Oh, hello, Alan. Alan: Oh, hello. Ceri: Budge up. Alan: Sorry I’m a bit late. Ceri: What have you been up to? Alan: Tried to outdance a computer. Impossible. And then I fought some zombies with a boy in care. Wiped the floor with him. Your hand is about 30 mil from my gland. And if I was dressed on the other side, it would be in contact. Your little finger just touched it. [Takes Ceri’s hand and places it on her lap] I’ll just pop that there. Dan: The kitchen? Alan: Oh, good. Dan: This is the one for you. Alan: Right. Dan: Budge up. Alan: What, that way? Dan: Yep. Alan: That’s a good stainless steel hob. Very futuristic. [To Ceri] That’s you. You’re naked. [To Dan] There’s you. Hello, Dan. Is that a granite work surface that’s supporting you both? Not Corian, a man-made marble substitute? Dan: Well, Corian is to marble and granite what MDF is to wood. I’ve got wood there. Alan: No, that’s MDF. Oh, I see. You’re making a joke. MDF’s banned in America. Ceri: So’s that. Alan: Oh, all done. Think I’ll go. Dan and Ceri: Alan! Alan: I’ve just remembered my dad is, still dead. My dad’s dead. Lynn: Alan? Alan: That was quick. Lynn: You rang earlier to bring over the kitchen brochures. Dan: Can I get you a drink, Lynn? Lynn: Oh, a Baileys, please. Dan: Take a seat. Alan: Sit there, sit there, sit there. Lynn: Oh, this is a comfy sofa. Alan: Oh, Jesus. Dan: I’ll get the drinks [strokes Alan’s face] Alan: Aah! Ceri: I’ll see where your drink is. Alan: Lynn, these are sex people. Lynn: What do you mean? Alan: They’re sex swappers! Lynn, this is Defcon One. Look. [Plays video of Dan and Ceri] Lynn: Urgh! Alan: Don’t make the same noise as them! They’ll think you’ll want to join in. I’ll pause it. Oh, I’ve hit fast forward. Looks like a sort of hard-core Benny Hill. That’s the kitchen work surface I was telling you about. Dan: Lynn, Lynn, your Baileys. Lynn: No, thanks. I don’t want to be part of your sex festival. Alan: Sex festival? Can I be very rude? Not like that [points to the TV] Dan: Try me. Alan: No, no. Come on, pack it in, mate. I don’t want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional videao, I can see that I would have a ruddy good time. Ceri: Want a little hug? Alan: A quick one. Don’t rub your fanny on me! Ceri: Look forward to listening to your “Deep Bath” later, Alan.
