I am not so much an open book these days as a pile of broken filing cabinets torn apart papers strewn all over an empty abandoned warehouse floor overgrown with nature sometimes I get the blues thinking about other people being alone and sad so I just want to wish you good feelings use this as an excuse to do whatever you want until you feel better again just don't hurt anybody there wasn't a toll coming out of your mom person's vagina being alive existence should be free we pay the hospital, the doctor but a society built in love wouldn't do that the hospital, the doctor, would be your friend your social family and just like we did for thousands of years we'd simply help each other because we care how isn't it concerning if we don't care enough now unless we get paid? or that we must demand payment from each other to simply survive ourselves? I'm secular and that shit still looks cursed some people only ever showed up long enough to be a memory but want to act like they were in your life every day some people were there every day for fifteen minutes at a time ten years ago and ten years ago hadn't someone been the one to say they "looked ahead ten years and didn't see me there"? I can't see past tomorrow anymore being scared isn't helping solve the puzzle though it keeps me asking "what the hell?" ordering from the menu of life: If I'm lucky enough to have them listed. I don't like some dishes. I won't order them. But you can go ahead and order whatever you like. You're not going to make me eat what you ordered, are you? I could tell you why I don't like your choices for all these reasons - but it's your dinner. As long as you're not eating someone else, who cares? what could be more chaotic than chaos being kinda chill actually we were all just kids too we were all just kids nobody told the truth to not our time's fault but it'll go on 'til we do who told you to do the bullshit you do? I'm brave, I'm just pissed off, and I don't want to pop off, so you gotta just leave me alone there once was an asshole the biggest asshole in all the world (at the time) (there's always a bigger asshole) and the asshole decided their way was the only best way so they become ruler because they're the only asshole big enough to make themselves ruler meanwhile somewhere else others are playing in a garden eating snacks and making up fairy tales how much time did you ever get to spend feeling safe and happy having fun some of the gardens are secret others are not others still do other things living out their own life stories they tell only their friends and family lives lived on display are too often commandeered for another's purpose (...probably the ruler asshole's...) dissenters hide or disappear and the intersection of forgotten, ignored, unwanted, misplaced, poor, go hungry slow death by a thousand cruelties still alive thanks only to the feeling of always another tomorrow the dissenters needed to come back the gardens needed to be free and open if you played the movie of their lives side-by-side, what could you not help but see? the whole world a garden the ruler needed to be stopped and transparent power - mutual understanding - could be the story we share layered into each our own lives but you would have to value life human life please stop trying to make me stronger I am plenty strong I'm so strong my feelings break my own spine please stop trying to make me stronger the full spectrum and possibility and futures we'd be living if the past had gotten it together... you have to have that level of belief even as an atheist to dream of it at all or make it real a rung bell still ringing an echo of pain still justified of a dream still deferred but how many too many wanted to forget why before they even knew why now they don't have to hear anything they don't like and still it echoes please stop trying to make me stronger I'm just trying to be my own best friend someone I'd look up to if I knew me no one knows what the fuck they're doing anyway people can change as they get grow older let them they might change again and again crisscrossing evolutions for generations a small imagination has no room for all the possibilities of the universe real people are diverse variations scattered along intersecting spectrums that blend up through history, shifting into ever fluxy potential futures deal with it. be free to positively change too, my friend be smarter than the psych op life can be like: everything you ever cared about decided it didn't give a fuck about you and you still loved it anyway don't forget real love means telling the truth
