Listen up, ya wee bams! This story is a hunner percent true. Grab yer bulletproof vest... it's time for the Ice Cream Wars! The sun is out in Glasgow, the weans are running wild, The ice cream van is coming, bringing joy to every child! How romantic, that wee tune echoing through the scheme, While the driver straps his body armor tight behind the screen. So run outside, ya lassie, get yer frozen lolly pop, Unless a stray shotgun blast brings yer afternoon to a stop! Cuz let's be real, what's a 99 without a bit of trouble? And a side of local drama makes the tension start to bubble! The polis waved so friendly to these hard-working chaps, While shotguns in the freezer lay hidden from the traps. Even the local bosses thought this business was sublime, If ya didnae pay the tax, ach, it was a heavy crime! Tring-eling-eling, who's ready for the fight to begin? Tring-eling-eling, let's cheer for the mafia gang! A bloody turf war hidden in yer soft-serve cone, Melting in the drizzle, that's how Glasgow claims its throne! Then came the rival hitters, men of style and class, Looking at the competition, thinking: "I'll make some ice cream cash!" But the young lads on the route didnae fancy sharing routes, So the bosses thought: "A drive-by will sort these wee galoots!" But a shower of lead through the glass didnae make the drivers shake, So the rivals gave the neighborhood a 'warm' wee fire to make. Aw, blooming heck, that wee fire went a bit too wild and fast, The building and the timbers went up with a hellish blast. Six family members gone, from the teenager to the bairn, Aye, for a couple of van routes, the Scottish mobs don't care. What a heavy, dark battle for a scoop of sweet vanilla, The whole city was in shock at the work of a cold killer. The suspects got their sentence, but ach, the plot twist was insane, One escaped the jail and caused a stir for the campaign! And twenty years later, the judge said: "Och, the evidence was a mess!" So the boys walked out completely free, and the case was laid to rest. So listen to that chime, enjoy yer sunny treat, Cuz ya never know if there's a gang war rolling down yer street! And that's the end of this crazy Glasgow chronicle. The real truth was hard to catch... So next time ya hear that happy tune, ya better run fast! Ya wee daftie! Right then... does anyone actually fancy a cone? I've got all sorts of flavors today... vanilla, strawberry, chocolate... and eh, a fresh batch of Class A white powder if ya fancy? Just ask!
