[Intro] [Annoying, cheerful, lo-fi MIDI elevator jazz music playing] [Automated robotic female voice - calm, monotone] "Thank you for calling customer support. Your call is very important to us. Please listen closely, as our menu options have recently changed." [Spoken word - deadpan, twitching] "I just want to cancel my subscription..." [Robotic Voice] "To check your balance, press 1. For technical support, press 2. To sell your soul to a demon, press 3." [Spoken word - screaming] I PRESSED ZERO! I AM PRESSING ZERO! [Deafening pinch harmonic explosion, fast thrash beat drops] [Verse 1] [Fast, bouncy crossover thrash riff] I navigate the maze of electronic doom! Trapped inside a digital waiting room! "To hear these options again, press pound!" I’m gonna tear this telephone to the ground! "Your estimated wait time is... forty-eight hours!" I'm losing my mind and my supernatural powers! [Pre-Chorus] [Heavy, chunky palm-muted guitar chugs] [Whispered - intense, unhinged] Please hold... please hold... [Shouted] THE MUSIC CHANGED TO SOMETHING WORSE! [Tempo drops into a heavy groove] [Chorus] [Massive, catchy crossover metal anthem with shouted gang vocals] PRESS 1 FOR PAIN! PRESS 2 FOR DESPAIR! THERE IS NO HUMAN BEING SITTING ANYWHERE! ROBOTIC OVERLORDS CONTROL THE LINE! I'VE BEEN ON HOLD SINCE 1999! CUSTOMER SERVICE! VIRTUAL HELL! IF I HEAR THAT FLUTE MIDI AGAIN I'LL YELL! [Verse 2] [Funk-metal bass groove with rapid snare hits] [Spoken skit over the bassline] "Hello? Is someone there?" [Automated Voice] "Thank you. You are caller number... four million." [Spoken word - crying] "I just want to talk to a person!" [Screamed metal vocals] GIVE ME FLESH! GIVE ME BLOOD! GIVE ME A REAL EMPLOYEE! [Guitar Solo] [Absurdly technical, chaotic sweep-pick guitar shredding over breakneck thrash drums] [Bridge] [Music cuts instantly back to the cheery, lo-fi MIDI hold music] [Spoken skit - whispering into the phone] "Hello? Ma'am? Sir? Bot?" [Beep sound] [Automated Voice] "Our offices are currently closed. Please call back during normal business hours." [Long, agonizing silence] [Sudden heavy drum roll and blood-curdling screaming] WE WERE SO CLOSE! [Breakdown] [Crushing, ultra-slow slam-metal breakdown] [Guttural Growl] CLOSED! [Heavy guitar slam] WEEKEND! [Double bass kick] CALL BACK MONDAY! AUTOMATED TRAUMA! [Guttural Screaming] HANG UP THE PHONE! [Outro] [Fast, high-speed punk-metal sprint] Hang it up! Smash the screen! Worst experience I've ever seen! [Music abruptly cuts off] [Loud phone click sound effect] [Spoken skit - calm, hollow voice] ...I guess I'll just keep paying for the subscription. [Dial tone buzzing continuously]
