[Verse 1] Mike, this song is written just for you, No one else will hear it — that should be a clue. It’s full of jabs that I just can’t resist, But you’re still my brother in all of this. You freak out every time the bill gets dropped, Act like the whole damn world just stopped. You sigh so loud that the place goes still, It’s dinner, dude — not your will. [Chorus] But You-ooooo Are a bitch and you act like one too! And You-ooooo Don’t have a freaking clue. But You-ooooo Yeah I love you but damn it’s true. And You-ooooo Don’t have a freaking clue. [Verse 2] Your bullshit smell could travel on air, People say, “brace yourself — beware.” Vile, they claim, like a sewer spring, Man, lets change your name to the freaking Lyin’ King. Your stories stretch like a rubber band, Some crash and burn, some almost land. But you tell ’em loud with your full heart in, Chaos wrapped in human skin. [Chorus] But You-ooooo Are a bitch and you act like one too! And You-ooooo Don’t have a freaking clue. But You-ooooo Yeah I love you but damn it’s true. And You-ooooo Don’t have a freaking clue. [Verse 3] Your napkin use is a crime scene act, Deforest a state — and that’s just fact. Wipe your face like you’re scrubbing a crime, Relax bro — one napkin’s fine. And if your food’s off even a bit, You’ll let the whole damn staff hear it. Your tipping swings like a mood balloon, Hero at lunch, villain by noon. [Chorus] But You-ooooo Are a bitch and you act like one too! And You-ooooo Don’t have a freaking clue. But You-ooooo Yeah I love you but damn it’s true. And You-ooooo Don’t have a freaking clue. [Bridge] Choosing dinner shouldn’t take a year, But every time you freeze in fear. Stare at the menu till your brain goes dark — It’s fries, it’s wings, not Mozart. We let you choose — now we all feel sick, Man, decisions ain’t your magic trick. It’s not life-or-death… just food, retard — Do I need flash cards? It’s not that hard! [Chorus — Final] But You-ooooo Are a bitch and you act like one too! And You-ooooo Don’t have a freaking clue. But You-ooooo Yeah I love you but damn it’s true. And You-ooooo Life’s still better hanging with you. [Outro] This song is over and I’ll admit, Roasting you was my greatest hit. You’re one of my closest friends — all through, And every dumb day’s still better with you.
