Poltergeist Bob (Explicit/PA)

There I was, just minding my own business When all of a sudden, Shit started getting weirder Glasses started flying The pan started frying I'm ducking and diving Whilst screaming and crying Coz there's a poltergeist in the kitchen And it's coming for me Can't even make a fucking cup of tea A pissed off demon on full attack Shit, Now there's a carving knife Heading for my back I need to call in a priest to bless this home No bloody way I'm staying here another night alone I'm gonna call the poltergeist "Bob" And try to make friends Pray he is an entity with empathy And then he'll see sense Or am I just delusional living in fear? God knows but that kitchen's a place I don't wanna go near Coz there's a poltergeist in the kitchen And it's coming for me I'm so scared, And im about to pee What the hell did I do To evoke this spirit Bringing it's aggression Anger and frustration with it I know, Holy water, that's the answer Command it to leave With no second chances I'll pray to God Bob listens and goes Coz the pain is intense From curling my toes Just wanna cook a pepperoni pizza Without risking my life But dodging knives Ain't worth the strife Coz there's a poltergeist in the kitchen And it's coming for me Throwing not one knife But now three (arghhh) Having to walk in that room In a suit of armour And war paint Just so I can get food On my frigging plate That's it, I've had enough I'm packing up and Moving my stuff I surrender to Bob He's scared me to death If I keep staying here I'll have no life left He can have the kitchen And claim the whole damn house And urgh no, now I've just been woken up by my spouse, urgh SHIT, it was just a dream, OH! Now there's no poltergeist in the kitchen And nothing's coming for me I can relax whilst pouring my cup of tea (yeah haha) No more ducking and diving Or utensils flying It wasn't real, just a dream Thank god for that And now I sound like a blumming pratt