I didn’t mean to become this I just needed somewhere sharp to live I was gentle once Or something close to it Kept my hands open Till the world put teeth in them I learned to laugh late I learned to stand still I learned the kind of silence That can make a person ill There’s a door in my chest That I nailed shut young There’s a name in my mouth That I swallowed with my tongue And everybody says I got strong somehow But they don’t ask what broke To build this body now I called it getting older I called it being smart I called it self-defense When I boarded up my heart I made myself a weapon Then wondered why I bled I called it self-protection But I carried it to bed I made myself a weapon I kept it in my chest Now everybody’s safer And I don’t know how to rest I can make a room quiet Without raising my voice I can leave before I’m left And call it making a choice I can turn into winter I can turn into stone I can make you feel sorry For coming too close There’s a mercy I murdered Just to keep myself clean There’s a softer little version Still waiting under me And I hate that I miss him And I hate that he knows I became what I needed And now I can’t go home I called it getting better I called it being grown I called it independence When I learned to be alone I made myself a weapon Then wondered why I bled I called it self-protection But I carried it to bed I made myself a weapon I kept it in my chest Now everybody’s safer And I don’t know how to rest I don’t know how to rest I don’t know how to rest I don’t know how to rest With all this metal in my chest Maybe I was only trying To survive the room Maybe I was only building A place to put the wound Maybe no one taught me How to stay soft and stay alive Maybe I confused protection With learning how to hide But I am tired of being careful I am tired of being steel I am tired of winning every fight And having nothing left to feel If I could lay this body down If I could unclench my hands Would there be anything beneath me That still knows how to stand? I made myself a weapon Then wondered why I bled I called it self-protection But I carried it to bed I made myself a weapon I kept it in my chest Now everybody’s safer And I don’t know how to rest I don’t know how to rest I don’t know how to rest I don’t know how to rest With all this metal in my chest I don’t know how to rest I don’t know how to rest I was only trying to live Look what happened instead I didn’t mean to become this I just needed somewhere sharp to live
