[Intro — early morning formation ambience] MARINE: Doc, my head's fucking killing me. DOC: You drink any water? MARINE: Yeah. DOC: Bullshit. [Fast punk riff kicks in] [Verse 1] Got a headache? HYDRATE! Got the flu? HYDRATE! Throwing up since zero-four? HYDRATE SOME FUCKING MORE! Twisted ankle, swollen knee, Can't remember where you've been? Doc hands you a fucking canteen— "Drink this shit and check back in." [Pre-Chorus] Every symptom, every injury, No matter how severe, Marine Core medicine has perfected The cure for everything right here— [Chorus] HYDRATE OR DIE! HYDRATE OR DIE! Every problem has one answer In the goddamn CORE! Eight hundred milligrams of Motrin, Drink some water, you'll be fine! MOTRIN! WATER! CHANGE YOUR SOCKS! NOW HYDRATE OR FUCKING DIE! [Verse 2] Broke your arm? DE-HYDRATED! Pulled your back? DE-HYDRATED! Compound fracture through the skin? SHOULDA FILLED YOUR CANTEEN! Fever pushing one-oh-three, Doc ain't impressed by what he sees. "Take this Motrin, drink a quart, And quit wasting my time, Marine." Got pneumonia? DRINK WATER! Kidney stone? DRINK SOME MORE! If hydration hasn't fixed it yet— YOU CLEARLY NEED ANOTHER POUR! [Chorus] HYDRATE OR DIE! HYDRATE OR DIE! Every problem has one answer In the goddamn CORE! Eight hundred milligrams of Motrin, Drink some water, you'll be fine! MOTRIN! WATER! CHANGE YOUR SOCKS! NOW HYDRATE OR FUCKING DIE! [Verse 3] Wife left you? DE-HYDRATED! Car won't start? DE-HYDRATED! Credit score's four-twenty-seven? MOTHERFUCKER, DE-HYDRATED! Got an NJP? DRINK WATER! Lost your rifle? DRINK SOME MORE! If you'd properly hydrated, You'd 'member where it was before! Gunny hates you? NEED MORE WATER! Can't get promoted? NEED MORE WATER! Top caught you sleeping? SHOULDA HYDRATED HARDER! [Pre-Chorus] There ain't a problem known to man That water cannot fix. And if a gallon doesn't work— DOC'S GOT THE MIX! [Chorus] HYDRATE OR DIE! HYDRATE OR DIE! [Chorus] HYDRATE OR DIE! HYDRATE OR DIE! The human body's mostly water— SO THE FUCK ARE YOU SURPRISED?! Motrin cures the other half, Fresh socks will keep you alive! MOTRIN! WATER! CHANGE YOUR SOCKS! NOW HYDRATE OR FUCKING DIE! [Verse 4] Took a round right through the shoulder, Doc just shook his head and sighed. "If you'd filled your fucking canteen, That shit would've bounced right off your hide." MARINE: That's not how bullets work. DOC: That's not how hydration works either, but apparently we're still having this conversation. [Guitar kicks harder] Got run over by a Humvee? HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?! Lost a leg in an explosion? HYDRATION LEVELS ON THE BRINK! Heart stopped beating? GRAB THE CANTEEN! No pulse? POUR IT INSIDE! IF THE WATER DOESN'T SAVE HIM— THEN HE PROBABLY FUCKING LIED! [Instrumental — fast guitar lead over military-style snare] [Final Chorus] HYDRATE OR DIE! HYDRATE OR DIE! Every Marine from birth to death Gets the same damn medical advice! Eight hundred milligrams of Motrin, Drink some water, you'll be fine! MOTRIN! WATER! CHANGE YOUR SOCKS! NOW GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE FIGHT! HYDRATE OR DIE! HYDRATE OR DIE! If you're conscious, you're deployable— QUIT YOUR BITCHING, YOU'RE ALRIGHT! Take your Motrin, fill your canteen, Doc has spoken, end of line! MOTRIN! WATER! CHANGE YOUR SOCKS! AND HYDRATE OR FUCKING DIE! [Music stops abruptly] [Outro] MARINE: DOC! Johnson just went down! DOC: Has he been drinking water? MARINE: He's had twelve canteens! DOC: ...That's too much water. [long silence] MARINE: What? DOC: Too much water can fuck you up. [longer silence] MARINE: Wait, you can fucking do that?
