\[INTRO — Courtroom\] (Gavel bangs three times) ALL RISE! The Honorable Judge BigNasty presiding. Case number fourteen. Hackney versus PNW Chick. Charges include reckless giggling, aggravated hypocrisy, and laughing without a permit. Prosecution, your opening statement? (Whiny male voice) "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Silence) Is that your entire fucking case? (808 DROPS) \[VERSE 1\] Court is in session, let's review the complaint, Got a man on the stand tryna prove that I'm fake. Said I laughed at him, said I crossed the line, Took fourteen days just to decide it was time. Exhibit A: a laugh I can't recall, Exhibit B: he announced it to the call. Exhibit C: he's been cracking jokes too, Your Honor, got some questions for this dude. You like making jokes? (YEAH!) You like talking slick? (YEAH!) Somebody laughs back? (WAIT, NOT LIKE THIS!) Oh, so the rules got a special condition? You can dish that shit, but can't take a submission? I ain't saying I didn't, I ain't pleading the fifth, I'm just trying to understand how we arrived at this. You called me fake, that's a hell of a leap, From a laugh so forgettable I went home and went to sleep. \[HOOK — Gavel banging on beat\] OBJECTION! OBJECTION! We got a grown man demanding protection! "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Your Honor, that's his whole testimony!) OBJECTION! OBJECTION! Fourteen days for a public correction! "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Please approach the bench with your dignity!) (Gavel) Order! Order! Somebody get this man some order! \[VERSE 2\] Now let's get something straight, since we're under oath, You ain't the only one allowed to make jokes. You had your little comments, I let that ride, Didn't summon a jury, didn't testify. Didn't subpoena your friends, didn't gather a crowd, Didn't save my hurt feelings just to bring 'em up loud. I can take a joke, I can laugh at myself, Got an entire discography attacking my mental health. I can admit when I'm wrong, ain't allergic to blame, But don't call me a fraud while you're playing the same game. You make jokes for sport, I'm supposed to just grin, But the second I laugh, now you're calling it a sin? Your Honor, this shit got me genuinely confused, How the hell is the comedian allergic to being amused? Got a lifetime supply of jokes in stock, But a laugh in your direction makes the whole store lock. \[HOOK\] OBJECTION! OBJECTION! Selective outrage detected! "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Enter that into evidence, please!) OBJECTION! OBJECTION! Sir, this court has one more question! If you're the comedian, how can it be, That the funniest joke here is "SHE LAUGHED AT ME"? \[BRIDGE — Cross-examination\] (Beat stops) Judge: "Hackney, do you make fun of people?" (Silence) Judge: "Hackney?" "Well, yeah, but—" Judge: "And do you expect them to have a sense of humor?" "Obviously, but—" Judge: "So when somebody laughed at you…" "THAT'S DIFFERENT!" (Long silence) Ohhhh. So you're not against laughing at people. You're against people laughing at YOU. (Gavel) Thank you. No further questions. \[VERSE 3\] I ain't here claiming that I'm innocent, I'm a walking PR nightmare with an instrument. Might've been wrong, I can own that shit, But I'm not pleading guilty to a laugh I can't depict. You wanted accountability? It goes both ways, Not just when your ego needs a public display. Could've settled it private, could've kept it discreet, But you brought a two-week grudge to a Zoom meet. You brought a complaint, I brought a beat, You brought a speech, I brought front-row seats. I don't need revenge, I don't need to attack, I'm just putting a soundtrack on the way you react. You wanted the last word, now it's stuck in a hook, Got your whole damn grievance in an audiobook. And the worst part, Hackney? I ain't even mad, I'm just having way too much fun with the material I have. \[FINAL HOOK\] OBJECTION! OBJECTION! Somebody call witness protection! "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Sir, we've heard your testimony!) OBJECTION! OBJECTION! Emotional damage with no recollection! "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (The court requests you take your seat!) \[OUTRO — The Verdict\] (Gavel bangs) After careful consideration… This court finds the defendant… Possibly guilty of laughing. The plaintiff… Guilty of making it everybody's business. The court also acknowledges that the defendant has now made TWO ENTIRE SONGS about this situation. Which is, frankly… A much more serious offense. (Whiny male voice) "BUT PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Gavel slams) SIR! YOU ARE IN CONTEMPT OF COMEDY! (Pause) Sentence? Mandatory attendance at the BigNasty listening party. No laughing permitted. (Quiet female giggle) Oh, shit. There she goes again. COURT ADJOURNED. TO BE CONTINUED…
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