Sonic's Subwoofer Blues

Attention. Sonic has purchased another subwoofer. Please remain indoors. Hide your windows. Protect your fish tanks. This is not a drill. According to my calculations... Sonic's audio equipment has bypassed reality. I attempted to explain acoustic boundaries. He responded: "MORE BASS." I showed him graphs. "MORE BASS." I showed him charts. "MORE BASS." I showed him a thirty-page report. He bought another subwoofer. The bass immediately removed my pants. I put on a backup pair. The bass removed those too. This is becoming a pattern. MORE BASS! My test tubes just exploded. MORE BASS! My mustache vibrated off my face. MORE BASS! Apparently physics is optional. MORE BASS! He bought another subwoofer anyway. Yesterday I inspected his vehicle. The rearview mirror resigned. The suspension filed for retirement. The alternator requested paid leave. The battery entered counseling. The GPS no longer gives directions. It only says: "Turn left." "Turn right." "MORE BASS." I checked the aquarium. The fish had formed a military organization. Holding tiny signs that said: "PLEASE. WE HAVE FAMILIES." I closed the report immediately. MORE BASS! The sound waves are slapping me. MORE BASS! The neighbors weren't moving. They were launched. MORE BASS! Reality is currently under review. MORE BASS! He bought another subwoofer anyway. Knowledge is power. Books built civilizations. Mathematics reached the moon. Science changed the world. Sonic listened carefully. Thought about it. Nodded respectfully. Then bought another subwoofer. MORE BASS! The fish are walking now. MORE BASS! The fish are paying taxes now. MORE BASS! The fish elected a mayor. MORE BASS! The mayor approved additional bass. MORE BASS! The moon filed a noise complaint. MORE BASS! The complaint requested more bass. According to my calculations... One more bass drop could destroy reality. According to Sonic... "We're almost there." ... Oh dear. My lab coat is on fire. My calculator has left the building. And the fish... have joined the subwoofer.