[Intro – quick jagged guitar riff, punchy drums] [Verse 1 – fast conversational British punk vocal] One fucking sandwich. That's all I came here for. Grab it from the fridge, thirty seconds to the door. Scan the little barcode. Beep. Lovely. Put it in the bag. [Automated voice] Unexpected item in bagging area. [Pause] [Female vocal] What? You told me to put it there. Take it out. [Automated voice] Please return item to bagging area. [Female vocal] Oh, we're doing this. Right. [Pre-Chorus – drums building] Put it in. Take it out. Put it fucking back. Green light. Red light. Machine having an attack. Assistant needed. Where's the assistant? [Female vocal] Of course. She's fucking vanished. [Chorus – big energetic punk vocal] Unexpected item in the bagging area! IT'S THE FUCKING ITEM THAT I FUCKING SCANNED! Unexpected item in the bagging area! I'M FOLLOWING EVERY FUCKING COMMAND! One sandwich! One bag! One increasingly furious customer! [Shouted] LET ME FUCKING PAY AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE! [Instrumental – fast angular guitar riff] [Verse 2 – quicker and more irritated] Assistant finally arrives, little card goes tap. Machine forgives me. Lovely. Back on track. Would I like a bag? Already got one. Would I like a receipt? No. Charity donation? Not right now. Loyalty card? No. Sign up today? [Female vocal] Jesus fucking Christ, I'm buying lunch, not applying for citizenship. [Beat pushes faster] Card goes in. PIN goes through. [Automated voice] Payment declined. [Hard Stop] [Female vocal] Excuse me? Try again. Approved. [Long pause] [Female vocal – cold] You did that just to hurt me. [Fast Shout-Punk] NOW IT WANTS APPROVAL! WHAT THE FUCK FOR? I'M BUYING A SANDWICH, NOT A FUCKING CHAINSAW! FLASHING RED LIGHT! QUEUE TEN DEEP! SOME BLOKE BEHIND ME DOING THAT FUCKING SIGH THING! [Female vocal – turns around] You wanna have a go? [Pause] Didn't think so. [Chorus – harder] Unexpected item in the bagging area! THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING UNEXPECTED HERE! Unexpected item in the bagging area! I HAVE BEEN STANDING AT THIS BASTARD FOR A YEAR! One sandwich! One bag! One rapidly deteriorating relationship! [Harsh shout] TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY AND RELEASE ME! [Instrumental Break – frantic drums, distorted bass, jagged guitar] [Bridge – instruments pull back] [Female vocal – exhausted] Assistant comes back. Looks at the screen. Looks at me. Presses one button. [Pause] Fixed. [Long pause] What button? [Assistant, spoken quietly] “Confirm.” [Silence] [Female vocal] There's a confirm button? [Pause] Can I have one? [Band crashes back] [Final Verse – rapid shout-sung escalation] NOW IT'S PRINTING! NOW IT'S THINKING! NOW THE FUCKING RED LIGHT'S BLINKING! TAKE THE RECEIPT! TAKE THE FOOD! TRY TO LEAVE IN A REASONABLE MOOD! [Automated voice] Please take your items. [Female shout] I FUCKING HAVE! [Automated voice] Please take your items. [Female growl] THE BAG IS IN MY FUCKING HAND! [Automated voice] Thank you for shopping with us. [Hard Stop] [Female vocal – dangerously calm] Don't. [Final Chorus – explosive melodic punk vocal] Unexpected item in the bagging area! Unexpected rage in the checkout queue! Unexpected item in the bagging area! FUCKING AMAZING— THE ITEM WAS YOU! One sandwich! Ten minutes! Zero remaining human dignity! [Shouted] NEXT TIME I'M FUCKING SHOPLIFTING! [Final guitar hit] [Pause] [Female vocal] That's a joke. [Longer pause] Probably.
