[Cold Open — Ad Voice, tinny AM radio, caught mid-read] —engineered to make you feel better, guaranteed. And it just keeps getting better. Try feeling better, Forever. Subscribe today and your first month's free! [radio clicks off] [Intro — Narrator, alone, dry sarcasm, resigned mocking laugh, close-mic] Feelin' better's easy. Doin' better? Feels worse. That's the catch. [Verse 1 — Narrator] They sell us better by the bushel, by the bucket, Full of shrapnel-shaped holes that don't hold water, so fuck it, Shovel after shovel, drip-fed and gated, gotta pay to play, But if you got the scratch, then they got a way To keep it off your back — tit for tat subscription packs, 'Cept you bleed while they get paid, and that itch is comin' back Worse every time it returns, till it festers and it burns, Leaves you yearnin' for relief that's always just out of reach. Genie in a bottle, sold with infinite wishes, Granted you wish to keep payin' the fee To keep wishin' for whichever Better Mister Genie says you need. And we do. I do, at least. I know a lot who do, And I bet you would too, if you knew what you were missin' Back when your own two hands did all the scratchin'. Now we're payin' for a fix we never knew we needed Till it stopped bein' free. What's up with that? [Interruption — Ad Voice, cutting in, one breath, reckless defensive urgency, vicious, mocking, childish immaturity] How 'bout you shut the fuck up and go buy some bootstraps to pull yourself up with — THAT'S WHAT'S UP! [awkward beat, the burn lands empty, crickets] [Ad Voice, meeker] Besides, don't you got an itch to get back to? Sure, you're always free to scratch it yourself, but— [Chorus — Ad Voice, jingle] Why would you wanna feel free When you can feel BETTER? Unlimited free back-scratches Just nine-ninety-nine a week Ten per infinity Next to nothing per scratch! Feel better, feel better, feel better (renews automatically) [Post-Chorus — Narrator, deadpan] Well worth the price of convenience, if you can believe the latest earnings, Workin' out for one side to the extreme, shame this ain't a two-way street. The only back that's really gettin' scratched is Greed's, No wonder the rest of us are all so itchy. [Verse 2 — Narrator] Railin' lines of other people's misery, Pour another round of outrage, chase it with a like, Bingein' till we tell ourselves we're eatin' better than the feed, Eyes, minds, prize, all glued to the illusion, Proceed with the delusion that better means cheap and easy. Meanwhile the dealer that keeps us buyin' in Is steppin' on the product, and it turns out that means us. Ah, shit. That's unfortunate. But hey, it's worth it, still better than the worst case, So carve out another piece of self-worth, Lay it on the altar — limited-time offering, Pray the bank extends another line of credit. Holy sacrament: I'm just tryin' to tithe on time, but the convenience fee is eatin' into next month's rent. Infinite genies competin' for our interest, forget resistance, Just invite another parasite to fix it — parasocial Stockholm SHIT — And still we got the itch, so stake the down payment, bet the house, but remember this: The house always wins, and you're just the RENTER. [beat cuts out] [Spoken Aside — Ad Voice, smug, dry] Don't like it? Well, if it's any consolation, you're always free to leave. But of course, breaking the lease incurs an early cancellation fee. [Chorus 2 — Ad Voice, jingle, faster] Why would you wanna feel free When you can feel BETTER? Unlimited free back-scratches Now eleven-ninety-nine a week Twelve per infinity Still next to nothing per scratch! Feel better, feel better, feel better (renews automatically) (basic tier now with ads) [Bridge — Ad Voice, corporate pitch, elevator keys] Best is so last quarter. Better is best with an expiration date, Dressed up in a sense of urgency And a tendency to rapidly become obsolete. (best don't leave room for the next better) Act now. Offer ends soon. [Breakdown — Narrator, beat drops out, sub and room tone] Me? I've tried feelin' better my whole life. And you know what? I'm tired. Another day, another dollar short, And at best I'm just as close to dyin' As the day I signed my life away to save it. I'm stackin' paper plenty, pushin' pencils, lookin' flush, Makin' it rain every day, drained the rainy day fund. My life's never been better, So how come I feel like shit? Fuck this. [Cancel Screen — Ad Voice, sudden, sugary, pleading] Leaving so soon? Are you sure you want to cancel? You'll lose everything you've saved! How about half off? How about... free? [Narrator, quiet, spoken] Nah. I've felt better. [Outro — Ad Voice, jingle, detuned and warping] Doing better's never been easier! Better than yesterday! Start your streak today! (renews automatically—) [radio clicks off, a flash of static, dead silence]
