I Accidentally Became a Cult Leader

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[Verse]
I rented out the church basement
For a weekly book discussion group.
We started with coffee and paperbacks,
About six people in the room.

I said, "Maybe bring snacks next time,"
And someone wrote it down as law.
By week three they were calling me
"The Keeper of the Floor."

[Pre-Chorus]
I thought the matching sweaters
Were a harmless little joke.
Then they built a giant banner
And started chanting when I spoke.

[Chorus]
I accidentally became a cult leader,
I was aiming for a book club, not a spiritual procedure.
Now they're hanging up my grocery lists
Like sacred revelations,
And analyzing my voicemail pauses
For hidden information.

I keep saying,
"Please relax, I'm just a gal who likes lasagna."
They respond,
"Behold! Another lesson from the Founder!"

I accidentally became a cult leader,
Can somebody help me make these people stop applauding?

[Verse]
I wore a bathrobe to one meeting
'Cause my laundry wasn't done.
The next week half the membership
Arrived in identical ones.

I mentioned I enjoy Tuesdays,
Now Tuesdays are a holy day.
Someone painted "Taco Night"
Above the entrance in gold spray paint.

[Pre-Chorus]
I sneezed and said, "Bless me,"
A completely normal phrase.
They published a seventy-page pamphlet
Called "The Blessing of the Sage."

[Chorus]
I accidentally became a cult leader,
I was trying to discuss chapter three,
Not start a new procedure.
Now they're collecting crumbs from my sandwich
As historical artifacts,
And arguing online about
The symbolism of my socks.

I keep saying,
"There is no prophecy.
There is only mild confusion."

They reply,
"The Master speaks in riddles
To avoid intrusion."

I accidentally became a cult leader,
I just wanted people to return the folding chairs properly.

[Bridge]
I called a meeting and announced,

"There is no secret doctrine here.
Please go home, watch television,
And maybe call your aunt this year."

They gasped and took meticulous notes
As if I'd revealed the final truth.
One whispered,

"The Aunt Principle..."

And suddenly the room erupted.

[Verse]
I tried to disappear for months,
Moved three towns away in shame.
They found me through a library card
And a spreadsheet of my names.

Now there's a gift shop by the parking lot,
A podcast and a choir.
My accidental empire runs
On casseroles and copier toner.

[Final Chorus]
I accidentally became a cult leader,
I was aiming for casual discussion
On the sign-up sheet procedure.
Now there are commemorative mugs
And guided meditation sessions
Based entirely on one time I said,

"I should probably get more rest."

I keep saying,
"Seriously, please,
This has gotten out of hand."

They cheer and call it
"The Great Expansion of the Plan."

I accidentally became a cult leader,
And at this point I'm mostly worried
About the tax paperwork.

[Outro]
Next Thursday's meeting has been canceled.

No, really.

The cancellation notice
Is not a secret test of loyalty.

Please stop solving the acrostic.

There is no acrostic.

...

Why are you all writing that down?

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[Verse] I rented out the church basement For a weekly book discussion group. We started with coffee and paperbacks, About six people in the room. I said, "Maybe bring snacks next time," And someone wrote it down as law. By week three they were calling me "The Keeper of the Floor." [Pre-Chorus] I thought the matching sweaters Were a harmless little joke. Then they built a giant banner And started chanting when I spoke. [Chorus] I accidentally became a cult leader, I was aiming for a book club, not a spiritual procedure. Now they're hanging up my grocery lists Like sacred revelations, And analyzing my voicemail pauses For hidden information. I keep saying, "Please relax, I'm just a gal who likes lasagna." They respond, "Behold! Another lesson from the Founder!" I accidentally became a cult leader, Can somebody help me make these people stop applauding? [Verse] I wore a bathrobe to one meeting 'Cause my laundry wasn't done. The next week half the membership Arrived in identical ones. I mentioned I enjoy Tuesdays, Now Tuesdays are a holy day. Someone painted "Taco Night" Above the entrance in gold spray paint. [Pre-Chorus] I sneezed and said, "Bless me," A completely normal phrase. They published a seventy-page pamphlet Called "The Blessing of the Sage." [Chorus] I accidentally became a cult leader, I was trying to discuss chapter three, Not start a new procedure. Now they're collecting crumbs from my sandwich As historical artifacts, And arguing online about The symbolism of my socks. I keep saying, "There is no prophecy. There is only mild confusion." They reply, "The Master speaks in riddles To avoid intrusion." I accidentally became a cult leader, I just wanted people to return the folding chairs properly. [Bridge] I called a meeting and announced, "There is no secret doctrine here. Please go home, watch television, And maybe call your aunt this year." They gasped and took meticulous notes As if I'd revealed the final truth. One whispered, "The Aunt Principle..." And suddenly the room erupted. [Verse] I tried to disappear for months, Moved three towns away in shame. They found me through a library card And a spreadsheet of my names. Now there's a gift shop by the parking lot, A podcast and a choir. My accidental empire runs On casseroles and copier toner. [Final Chorus] I accidentally became a cult leader, I was aiming for casual discussion On the sign-up sheet procedure. Now there are commemorative mugs And guided meditation sessions Based entirely on one time I said, "I should probably get more rest." I keep saying, "Seriously, please, This has gotten out of hand." They cheer and call it "The Great Expansion of the Plan." I accidentally became a cult leader, And at this point I'm mostly worried About the tax paperwork. [Outro] Next Thursday's meeting has been canceled. No, really. The cancellation notice Is not a secret test of loyalty. Please stop solving the acrostic. There is no acrostic. ... Why are you all writing that down?

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