I Don't Miss Me Anymore

[Almost-empty piano — slow, imperfect single notes with enormous space between phrases; faint bass enters only when needed; guitar is nearly absent] I found an old picture. I knew that was me. I knew by the people who stood next to me. Everybody looked happy. I looked happy too. I stared at my face like I'd never met you. [Piano continues alone — no dramatic swell] I don't remember what happiness did. I remember pretending. I remember as a kid. I remember believing I'd grow into more. I don't remember what I believed for. [Brief piano passage — a distant guitar harmonic appears once, then disappears] Maybe I lost him. Maybe he left. Maybe you don't notice when there's nothing much left. Maybe it happens an inch at a time. You stop asking questions. You start saying, "I'm fine." [Silence] I'm fine. [Piano answers with two notes] See? It still sounds like mine. [Low bass enters beneath the piano; vocal remains painfully restrained] I used to miss me. God, I really did. I'd look for that person in everything I hid. I'd swear I could find him if I knew where to start. I thought he was waiting somewhere in my heart. [Pause] I don't think that now. [Long instrumental — sparse piano melody; soft bowed bass underneath; almost imperceptible clean guitar texture] That's the part I don't know how to say. It doesn't hurt badly. Not every day. It doesn't feel empty. It doesn't feel sore. I got used to losing me. I don't miss me anymore. [Piano continues without changing tempo] That should scare me. It doesn't. That scares me instead. I can say that I'm living. I don't wish I was dead. But somewhere between being broken and whole, I stopped trying to find what I thought was my soul. [Voice cracks slightly; arrangement remains beautiful and restrained] Don't come looking. There's nothing to save. I learned how to live with the life that I gave. I learned how to smile. I learned how to ignore the person I was. I don't miss him anymore. [Instrumental — piano melody becomes achingly beautiful; very distant sustained guitar enters underneath but never takes focus] [Nearly whispered] I found an old picture. I knew that was me. [Pause] Everybody looked happy. [Long pause] So did he. [Piano plays the opening phrase] I hope he stayed there. I hope he stayed young. I hope he kept laughing when the picture was done. I hope he never knew me. I hope that's what pictures are for. [Voice almost breaks completely] Because I used to miss him. [Pause] I don't anymore. [Piano continues alone for an extended instrumental ending; final chord is beautiful but unresolved]