I don’t feel sick I just don’t feel right Like something’s been off For a long time I keep saying I’m okay Like it’s muscle memory Like if I repeat it enough It might start to mean something I chase that brief relief That quiet in my head Just long enough to forget How heavy it gets I don’t want to disappear I just want the pressure to loosen Not a way out Just a pause where I’m not wrestling myself I keep laying myself down Where I know I won’t be caught Calling relief a solution Just to make it through the night I keep laying myself down Knowing how this ends before It works for a minute Then it asks for more than before I talk to who I used to be Before everything felt conditional He doesn’t reach to pull me out I recognize every signal He just watches in silence I know how this pattern ends Awareness doesn’t slow the fall It just sharpens the descent If I let this weaken its grip What’s left holding me together? I’ve shaped myself around avoidance I don’t know who I am without it I keep laying myself down Where I know I won’t be caught Calling relief a solution Just to make it through the night I keep laying myself down Knowing how this ends before It works for a minute Then it asks for more than before I don’t feel powerful I feel depleted Not destroyed Just worn past the limit If this is surviving Why does it cost so much of me? Why do I mourn myself While I’m still breathing? I keep laying myself down Like I’m not worth the resistance Confusing numb with balance Just to stay upright If this is how I cope I don’t want to cope anymore I don’t need to feel invincible I just want the pain to GO
