Hey, it’s Kay… It’s 3:33 A.M. I’m awake tonight writing it out again. What… the fuck if… I’m just… tired? Not tired because I need sleep. Tired… of trying to explain a version of me that nobody seems to hear anyway. … So… here we go again. I’m not okay anymore… Not the version you keep asking me to be. I’m tired… Of literally everyone constantly misunderstanding me. Why do I keep talking… when every word just echoes back at me even louder? Round… and around… and around. Oh… You didn’t want to listen? What the fuck if… I didn’t want to either? What if… I didn’t care about your feelings… You know… Like the way you don’t care about mine? What if I’m still angry? What if I’m still broken? What if I’m never okay again? … What if I’m still angry? What if I’m still broken? What if I’m never okay again? … What if I’m still angry? What if I’m still broken? What if I’m never… okay… again? Here we go again… Around… and around. Hold on… Can you say that again? Sorry… I was stuck inside my head again. Oh… I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better… again. But every time I apologize… I lose another piece of myself. How many versions of me do you expect me to become before one of them finally makes you comfortable? Because honestly… I don’t even recognize the person I’m trying so hard to be. I’m not me… And you keep asking me to become someone who got lost inside all these words you don’t even want to hear. Why? … Are you scared of my fear? Or are you scared… that one day you’ll finally understand it? What if I’m still angry? What if I’m still broken? What if I’m never okay again? … What if I stop apologizing… for surviving? What if this… is the loudest I’ve ever been… and nobody still hears me? Maybe… I’m not asking you to fix me. Maybe… I just wanted someone… to sit with me… without trying to change me. … Until then… I’ll keep writing. Because at least… my journal… doesn’t interrupt me. Love, Kay 🦋
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